Postcard From My Journey To Me

Wow. Cindy Morgan has a great CD coming out after the first of the year. She should be the most successful artist in the world because she's so amazingly talented. Check out her LISTEN project if you haven't heard of her. Regardless, her new project has a song called "Postcard From My Journey To Me" -- actually it's just called "Postcards" - but I like the long title. It has amazing lines like: "If you can't find the answers from anyone else, you just have to see for yourself." If I wrote a postcard from me, this is what I'd write today...

HELLO MY DEAR FRIEND! How are you? Hope this finds you swimming around in the blessings of God and feeling His love. I'm having an amazing time here. Even though it might not look exactly like I had hoped it would, there is much beauty to be seen. While I'm here, I'm discovering that I can either focus on what I don't have, or what I hope will happen in the future...or what probably won't happen in the future...OR I can dwell in a place of gratitude for what is right here in front of me. The view is amazing from here. Why do I still desire different mountain vistas or other glorious sunsets? It's pretty much a waste of time and grandeur. Yes, it's great to be here. Still, I'll be home real soon. I look forward to our time together. See you then! Love, me

"I'm searchin, I'm travelin, my life's been unravelin, and still don't know where this will lead. Enjoying the weather, I'll get it together, so don't worry I'll send you a postcard from my journey to me." -- Cindy Morgan

Here I Go

Will you chase me down
If I jump off this ledge I'm on
Will you come find me
If I run from your protection

Cause here I go, off into the unknown
And I'm scared of what I might find
Leaving safety behind, I've got life on my mind
And I'm gonna find it, if it's the last thing I do
Here I go...Here I am

Wannabe 201

Yes, I'm a wannabe. I don't want to settle for just getting by in life. I don't want to live according to what other people think I should do or be. I bring this up because I've got an awesome new friend who appears to be on a mission of helping me to "find my wings." When I think about what he must be thinking, I can only think that he perceives me as not really knowing who I am, or how I want to live my life. Well, heck. That's mostly not true. I actually really like who I am. I feel pretty grateful for the live I've lived, who I've become, and I feel very loved by those around me that know me. Even still, there is a part of me that is still living for everyone in my life, except for me. I mean, I place a really high importance on keeping people impressed with who I am and what I'm doing. Heck, life is better when people are impressed with me.

But what I'm currently experimenting with is revealing portions of myself to the people I'm closest with, and allowing them to see my fears and insecurities, as well as my great hopes and dreams for the future. This is slightly frightening to some people who care about me. Because as I express some of my wild thoughts and my desire for adventure, I'm hearing a lot of things like, "Just be careful," or "Are you sure about that?" It's cool to have people care about me, perhaps even more than I care about myself at times. And honestly, I want people to help me to see when I might be making decisions that are completely crazy.

But I do want to find my wings.

I want to journey beyond what I've been told I can do. I want to live dreaming bigger than what others deem reasonable. I want to do things that other people might think are wrong, and find out for myself whether they are wrong for me. I want to live diving deeply into what I'm wondering will make my heart sing. And I'm pretty convinced it looks a lot different than sitting in my recliner and watching the week's TiVo'd programs. I'm also convinced it looks a lot different than living according to other people's expectations of me. That means I might disappoint people who I care about. Heck, I might even get hurt. But there's something about entering into the battle for my heart that feels really good. It even feels a little scary...a little confusing...a bit unsettled. But I'm going to keep fighting, hoping to get to a place of peace and contentment on the other side. A nirvana of sorts that has been constructed not by other people, but by me.

"Until then, I'll just be me. Even if I don't know what that means." (from "Superfamous" - check it out on my profile page or on www.myspace.com/marksmeby)

The Journey of Desire

I was just reading a part in one of my favorite books "The Journey of Desire" and it was a bit about sorrow and aching that we all walk around with...but that we spend most of our time ignoring. He asked me the question, "What is the voice of my ache saying to me?" Good one. I spent some time journaling what I'm sad about, or what has brought me pain and sorrow. Most of mine revolves around XXXXXXXXXX (sorry!). It's interesting to acknowledge sadness. I don't know if we give ourselves enough opportunity to just be & feel human.

I want to explore what it's like to feel and know pain, sadness, sorrow, grief, the longing...to not feel like I have to to run or flee from it...to escape it. I wonder if its goal is to actually to reveal the truth to me, and instead, I revel in cosmetic emotional surgery -- this'll fix it! this'll make me feel better! And then I get addicted to a string of adrenaline-inducing pleasures, and I miss out on actually knowing myself.

I believe that underneath all my busy-ness and self-imposed distractions, there is the peace, hope, joy and truth that I'm ultimately longing for...and my desires -- mostly the unrequited ones, and the sadness, are my compass to lead me there.

What it's like on the road...

Road life is pretty interesting. I mean, boring. But yet exhilerating. Exhausting, but adrenaline charged. A lot of sitting around. A lot of heat-exhausted, worn-out people everywhere running around aimlessly. A friend of mine compared touring to camping - but the boring parts, where you're just sitting around wondering when you're going to get your next shower. People look at the mammoth tour buses with eyes of wonder. Wow...how amazing must it be inside! Yes, it's pretty cool. Actually, it's great to have somewhere to escape to that has air conditioning! There's a front and back lounge, each with TV, DVD, satellite, etc., a little kitchen, an even littler (and stinkier) airplane-ish bathroom, and twelve coffin-like bunks (six on each side, stacked three deep). The bunks have TV/DVD players in them, but I prefer throwing on the iPod and listening to something soothing like Amos Lee, Teitur, Jamie Cullum, etc.

Once you leave the bus, everyone is always checking you out, wondering if you're someone famous that they should know. Every time I get a ride from a driver to go to the hotel (we get a "day room" to shower in) they ask me who I am, or what band I'm with. I'm tempted to lie, but usually just tell them I'm just me and that they never have heard of me. I try to be patient with people who just seem to want a piece of someone famous, probably so they can tell people later something like, "You won't believe who I drove to the hotel today!"

Yes, Mr. Louisville, you drove Mark Smeby to the hotel. That's SMEEEE-bee. Like Phoebe, you know, from "Friends"? I do pop music and not even your cool teenager knows who I am. But that's ok with me. Why? Because I'm surrounded by family and people back home in Franklin who know me and love me, regardless of how famous or unfamous I am. They know all my strengths and all my weaknesses, and help remind me of the truth about myself when I lose sight of it in the midst of both the applause and humiliation that come with life on the road. To be honest, they actually prefer it when I'm not on the road. Part of me feels the same way.