Being Famous

I hope you're ok with me being completely fantastical here...

It cracks me up when people ask me what it's like to be famous. I wish I had a better answer. I usually say, quite humbly, "I really don't feel any different than you." But what I really mean is, "It's frickin' weird!" Seriously...weird. Like, life becomes a fight to hang onto what used to be normal, because everything and (most) everyone around becomes un-normal.

I can't tell anymore if people look at me from across the room because they recognize me, or if they think I might be someone they should recognize, or if I actually used to know them. Heck, maybe they're justing trying to be nice! It's become nearly impossible to consider people's actions toward me as someone who is just being nice, because I've trained myself to constantly be evaluating people's motives.

This is all not to mention how crazy busy life gets. There are people everywhere pulling and tugging and begging and even (gasp!) crying...for attention. I can't help but get a bit cynical about it...wondering why certain people don't have more of a life. I used to think, "If you only knew the real me, you probably wouldn't like me anymore." But I don't think that anymore...mostly because the impression that most people have of me is very, very close to who I really am. Of course, strangers can't know me completely, thankfully so. But I've worked very hard to make sure that I don't advertise anything false. For instance, if someone likes my heart, or my sense of humor, I can be grateful for that. They've probably seen a glimpse of it somewhere along the line. Even still, some strangers think that they know you better than they really do...and that's a little scary. Or some people have carved such a huge place in their life for their fantasies about me that they have lost all sense of personal boundaries. That's a bit frightening.

This is why it is so important for me to have a great family and an amazing group of friends surrounding me. People who know everything about me (I mean EVERYTHING), and still love me deeply. They are cheering me on, but at the same time, they don't care if I ever accomplish anything more. They actually would prefer if I was home more often. Their phone calls and emails mean the world to me when I'm away, and our times together over coffee or dinner are priceless.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I truly am grateful for all the amazing opportunities I've been given and the chance to get to know some really fascinating people. I just wanted to take a minute and try to write down some really honest thoughts and hopefully help someone understand better what life is like, not just for me, but for other people whose faces they see or voices they hear everyday.

I am very blessed, not because I'm famous, but because I'm loved. I'm loved deeply by people who I love deeply, as well. We are walking together, sharing life, in all its glories and disappointments. My family, my friends and I, we all need each other to continually point out the truth about ourselves, not some fantasy world that we all tend to gravitate toward. That's a kind of success I'd wish on anyone.

My Declaration of Independence

I'm now officially free to let other people respond to me the way they want to, and it doesn't need to affect how I feel about myself.

I'm free to let other people love me in their own way, in their own time, without me taking anything personally.

I'm free to let myself make mistakes in the ways that I communicate my feelings, because I am free to be misunderstood.

I am free to not be liked by everyone around me.

I'm free to allow the love of God and those who know me well, actually be enough to get me through today.

I'm free to not be entangled by the quest for acceptance from strangers, no matter how good looking they might be.

I'm free to be optimistic about the future, even if my present circumstances appear stagnant, knowing that the only thing that's certain in life is change.

Still, I'm free to not be ruled by the allure of "what might happen" in the future, because I am choosing to focus on the beauty of the present.

I'm free to be surprised by what might come my way, because I'm entering into today without any expectations.

This is my declaration of independence.

Here's Your Life

"Why must my life be so hard?" I ask myself because I can't find a spare stamp and still don't have a record deal. Things are pretty quiet around here. Inquiry emails sent out rarely get responses. Phone calls are useless. How in the world am I supposed to have an amazing life if people aren't willing to do their part to help me out? Sometimes, I'm just baffled by the amount of potential I seem to be drowning in.

About two years ago, in conversation with a friend, we decided that we could waste our lives waiting to be invited to all the cool parties. Meaning, sometimes it seems like the "people that have" in the music industry keep getting, and the "people that don't have" don't get anything. I'm talking about opportunities here, pardon the difficult analogy. But me and my friend decided that if we were tired of waiting to be invited to other people's parties, the best answer would be to throw our own. So...

I'm throwing a party.

What it looks like is me investing in the lives of people around me. It looks like me taking time to care for myself: through physical exercise, rest, entertainment, good food & drink. It looks like creative risk-taking. Loving, laughing, listening. Calling people out of the blue to see how they're doing. Finding and listening to music that I love. Reading great books. Drinking coffee frequently. And more that I can't even put words on. But what it ultimately comes down to, is living for today...not waiting or hoping for what I'd like to see happen. There's incredible beauty and joy being offered to me today. Sometimes I just have to take my eyes off of my own navel to see it.

The sky is really blue today. The air is crisp. I am loved well by many people in my life. I have great hope and optimism for the future (Jer. 29:11), but even better...today rocks. I am a very rich man and I'm throwing a party.

And you're invited.

New song lyrics...maybe

Sometimes man writes songs for others, sometimes for himself...

I KNOW

VERSE ONE:
It's a long way down from cloud number nine
Just a day ago it all seemed so fine
Seems the fall has got the best of you
Climbed the mountain only to lose the view

I promise, it's not time to give up
Even if the promised land feels so far away

CHORUS:
Cause I know, I've got plans for you (Hold on)
Working it out, only for your good
There's hope on the way, and a bright tomorrow
I know, I know, you can trust me (Hold on)

VERSE TWO:
Your yellow brick road's turned a bit grey
Can't see past all that's in the way
But every step is taking you closer
To where your heart knows you're not alone

I promise, if you don't give up
The promised land won't seem so far away

CHORUS:
Cause I know, I've got plans for you (Hold on)
Working it out, only for your good
There's hope on the way, and a bright tomorrow
I know, I know, you can trust me (Hold on)

Postcard From My Journey To Me

Wow. Cindy Morgan has a great CD coming out after the first of the year. She should be the most successful artist in the world because she's so amazingly talented. Check out her LISTEN project if you haven't heard of her. Regardless, her new project has a song called "Postcard From My Journey To Me" -- actually it's just called "Postcards" - but I like the long title. It has amazing lines like: "If you can't find the answers from anyone else, you just have to see for yourself." If I wrote a postcard from me, this is what I'd write today...

HELLO MY DEAR FRIEND! How are you? Hope this finds you swimming around in the blessings of God and feeling His love. I'm having an amazing time here. Even though it might not look exactly like I had hoped it would, there is much beauty to be seen. While I'm here, I'm discovering that I can either focus on what I don't have, or what I hope will happen in the future...or what probably won't happen in the future...OR I can dwell in a place of gratitude for what is right here in front of me. The view is amazing from here. Why do I still desire different mountain vistas or other glorious sunsets? It's pretty much a waste of time and grandeur. Yes, it's great to be here. Still, I'll be home real soon. I look forward to our time together. See you then! Love, me

"I'm searchin, I'm travelin, my life's been unravelin, and still don't know where this will lead. Enjoying the weather, I'll get it together, so don't worry I'll send you a postcard from my journey to me." -- Cindy Morgan

Here I Go

Will you chase me down
If I jump off this ledge I'm on
Will you come find me
If I run from your protection

Cause here I go, off into the unknown
And I'm scared of what I might find
Leaving safety behind, I've got life on my mind
And I'm gonna find it, if it's the last thing I do
Here I go...Here I am

Wannabe 201

Yes, I'm a wannabe. I don't want to settle for just getting by in life. I don't want to live according to what other people think I should do or be. I bring this up because I've got an awesome new friend who appears to be on a mission of helping me to "find my wings." When I think about what he must be thinking, I can only think that he perceives me as not really knowing who I am, or how I want to live my life. Well, heck. That's mostly not true. I actually really like who I am. I feel pretty grateful for the live I've lived, who I've become, and I feel very loved by those around me that know me. Even still, there is a part of me that is still living for everyone in my life, except for me. I mean, I place a really high importance on keeping people impressed with who I am and what I'm doing. Heck, life is better when people are impressed with me.

But what I'm currently experimenting with is revealing portions of myself to the people I'm closest with, and allowing them to see my fears and insecurities, as well as my great hopes and dreams for the future. This is slightly frightening to some people who care about me. Because as I express some of my wild thoughts and my desire for adventure, I'm hearing a lot of things like, "Just be careful," or "Are you sure about that?" It's cool to have people care about me, perhaps even more than I care about myself at times. And honestly, I want people to help me to see when I might be making decisions that are completely crazy.

But I do want to find my wings.

I want to journey beyond what I've been told I can do. I want to live dreaming bigger than what others deem reasonable. I want to do things that other people might think are wrong, and find out for myself whether they are wrong for me. I want to live diving deeply into what I'm wondering will make my heart sing. And I'm pretty convinced it looks a lot different than sitting in my recliner and watching the week's TiVo'd programs. I'm also convinced it looks a lot different than living according to other people's expectations of me. That means I might disappoint people who I care about. Heck, I might even get hurt. But there's something about entering into the battle for my heart that feels really good. It even feels a little scary...a little confusing...a bit unsettled. But I'm going to keep fighting, hoping to get to a place of peace and contentment on the other side. A nirvana of sorts that has been constructed not by other people, but by me.

"Until then, I'll just be me. Even if I don't know what that means." (from "Superfamous" - check it out on my profile page or on www.myspace.com/marksmeby)

The Journey of Desire

I was just reading a part in one of my favorite books "The Journey of Desire" and it was a bit about sorrow and aching that we all walk around with...but that we spend most of our time ignoring. He asked me the question, "What is the voice of my ache saying to me?" Good one. I spent some time journaling what I'm sad about, or what has brought me pain and sorrow. Most of mine revolves around XXXXXXXXXX (sorry!). It's interesting to acknowledge sadness. I don't know if we give ourselves enough opportunity to just be & feel human.

I want to explore what it's like to feel and know pain, sadness, sorrow, grief, the longing...to not feel like I have to to run or flee from it...to escape it. I wonder if its goal is to actually to reveal the truth to me, and instead, I revel in cosmetic emotional surgery -- this'll fix it! this'll make me feel better! And then I get addicted to a string of adrenaline-inducing pleasures, and I miss out on actually knowing myself.

I believe that underneath all my busy-ness and self-imposed distractions, there is the peace, hope, joy and truth that I'm ultimately longing for...and my desires -- mostly the unrequited ones, and the sadness, are my compass to lead me there.