Pilgrim Man

Moving My Blog

2011-02-26T22:10:00.000-06:00

Hey there! Thanks for finding my blog! I'm going to be doing my blog now in conjunction with my website, so please head over there and let me know what are your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you!

www.marksmeby.com

Mark

Are You Hungry For Hope?

2011-01-09T17:53:00.000-06:00

I love how the new year brings with it an automatic dose of optimism. The whole world breathes a collective sigh of relief that, "Yes, this year will be better than the last." It's a time of looking ahead, of making plans, and going after new dreams. It feels like hope.

But I'm curious what holds me back. Because even as I sit here at my desk, with piles of to-do lists filled with things I can be working on—all of which will be very beneficial to me—I find myself more often than not paralyzed. A writer's block, of sorts. It's a feeling that my phone must have right before it completely loses its charge. The gas tank is nearing E, and the sputtering is so deafening I think I'm gonna take a nap.

It all comes down to where I place my hope.

Hope misplaced leads to disappointment, anger, cynicism, depression...paralysis. Life has taught me I can't put my hope in anyone or anything. But I keep forgetting that. I'm not going to become a pessimist, I'm just choosing to remember that my true hope and treasure can only come from God, and from no one or no where else. "Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God," Psalm 146:5.

To me, hope is a result of trusting God. I trust that God loves me more than I can even imagine. And I also trust that God is with me, and is going before me making a way—even where there seems to be no way. This makes the dry soil of my tired heart into fertile ground for ever-blossoming hope.

It's not up to me to make all my goals and dreams happen. I have my thoughts on how I'd like things to go and I'm not letting go of them. But I'm going to direct them to God in prayer, submitting them to His better judgment for how things should go. And I'm going to trust what God tells me in Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I believe that no matter what your circumstances are, this is a time for hope. I'm banking my life on it.

My Year In 100 Words

2010-12-30T20:05:00.000-06:00

I’m filled with gratitude for how my year has held so many beautiful experiences: all of them have to do with people — I can’t live fully in isolation. A trip to Whistler, BC or a tour of four baseball stadiums in four days is nice, but it’s awesome with a great friend. My Pilgrim Man CD released a series of beautiful exchanges with like-minded travelers. Filming “1 Message” with AKA and the crew was an honor. I survived the flood, a couple snowstorms, and a half marathon, but my dog’s cancer at year’s end broke my heart. Still, hope reigns.

What Makes Christmas Great?

2010-12-24T10:53:00.000-06:00

Christmas is a crazy, beautiful time of year. I love listening to carols, especially the old classics. I also love looking at lights and elaborate decorations. I also love time together with family and friends. But looking back over the multitudes of Christmases, the best part has always been the hope of what presents I might get.

I loved making wish lists as a kid. Going through the big Sears toy catalog and picking out what looked the most awesome. I didn't always get what I wanted, even though I admit I was completely spoiled. I got more than I really needed, certainly.

I would spend most of December trying to find hidden boxes throughout the house...hidden in closets, or under beds. And then when gifts would be set out under the tree, I would shake and rattle the wrapped boxes, trying to determine the contents.

When I try to put profound, grown-up words on what makes Christmas great, I come up with this: Christmas is great knowing that someone who loves you, is planning something special, specifically with your joy in mind. They are preparing something for you - to bring you happiness. This to me, is HOPE. The hope that someone who loves me is preparing something special for me - specifically with my joy in mind.

Still I have to admit that as I get older, I pretend it doesn't matter so much that I didn't get anything good for Christmas. "Oh socks! I love them! This sweater is beautiful - it's so soft!" But I can't escape the ache - the feeling that there should be something more. Something more in line with my heart's deepest longings. It's not greed...it's HOPE!!

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING MORE
I don't know about you, but I feel this same way in life - there's got to be something more! I feel the pain in life...the uncertainty...the fear...the confusion...the loneliness...and everything in me desires for it to be different. There is something in me that says this all could be different...and it probably should be. The difference between the way things are...and the way I desire them to be...creates a crazy dissonance within me. Dissonance...or tension. Dissonance is a musical term used when two or more notes that clash with each other are played simultaneously. Tension...between the way things are, and the way you feel they could be.

The dissonance or tension between the way things are and the way I would like things to be...drives me crazy! Because I HOPE! I HOPE for things to be better. For things to make sense. For things to have some purpose. Maybe you feel this way as well.

WE ARE ALL PART OF A GRAND STORY
I believe that in life, we are all part of a grand story. Good stories all have a main character who experiences some kind of conflict, then a hero comes in and brings resolution - and there's redemption, a rescue, a being saved. A resolution that reveals value to the whole story! You can't have a good movie or book with just the rescue...you have to see the need for the main character to be rescued...or saved, if you will.

Life is a story of dissonance - a story of conflict. But I also believe it is a story of rescue. You are in the middle of a grand story. And there is a hero who is longing to rescue you, not take you out of it, but to bring beauty to it, purpose, and meaning.

GOD IS THAT SOMEONE
What makes Christmas great is when someone who loves you plans something special, specifically with your joy in mind. God is that someone, and He is doing just that for you! That's what He's been about for all of time - showing you HIS love and HIS desire to invade your personal story - a story that you've been thinking was all up to you, or at least, simply a product of chance. God is writing your story.

If you want to acknowledge and receive all that GOD is preparing for you, there's one gift you have to receive first. And it's the most controversial name in society today...JESUS. God thought to himself: How can I give them a gift they will receive...a BABY!! Jesus is God's gift to you. That's why we as Christians celebrate Christmas.

God is preparing something great for each of you, and the way to those gifts today, is through the big gift - through the baby - Jesus! As you begin to see Jesus as God's gift to you, then all the other things GOD has for you will be given.

But, you need to know that seeing Jesus as your hero isn't going to get you out of prison. It isn't going to heal all your broken relationships. It isn't going to make everything shiny and new, like some TV preachers seem to announce. But seeing Jesus as God's gift to you opens you up to all kinds of new possibilities - new ways of viewing yourself, viewing other people, and the circumstances of life you find yourself caught in the middle of. Things will start to blossom with meaning and purpose. I promise.

If this is something that seems to be stirring in your heart, I encourage you to read the Bible...to pray...to talk with other people about what they know about God...listen to teachers and preachers you feel you can trust. And never let go of the hope that God, who loves you deeply, is working to make something incredibly special out of your life...specifically with your joy, and His glory, in mind.

Another Friend In Prison

2010-11-21T16:46:00.000-06:00

It's no secret to those who know me that I'm friends with a lot of guys in prison. Today I found out about another—an old friend from high school who is currently sitting in prison awaiting trial for possibly killing his girlfriend. Somehow this one feels different. Maybe because I never knew any of the guys I now know in prison before they were ever incarcerated. My heart breaks for him and his family. And I wish I was closer to Los Angeles, so I could go visit him...and just catch up.

I've known several incarcerated men over the past 16 years since deciding to start a grassroots prison ministry. This decision takes me inside the walls of a local prison each Friday morning when I get to hang out with a small group of guys for a weekly Bible Study. Sometimes we open the Bible, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we talk about sports, politics, TV, music, movies...anything really, that a group of guys would talk about it. But my number one goal is to cut through all the religiosity that so many of us have been living under most of our lives. I want to get to the bottom of it, and find out what's real, what's not...and what really matters.

The thing I find the most common is the thinking that if you're good enough, you'll make it to Heaven. That if somehow God deems you worthy of salvation, then you'll receive it. But ultimately, there's no way of knowing until you actually meet Him face to face, so you better do your darndest to be good! To me, this flat out disregards the need for Jesus to have died on the cross. Because of what Jesus did, my entrance into Heaven is no longer on my shoulders—it's on His. Grace is a free gift. No strings attached.

As you can imagine, this information sounds impossible to most people, especially people who are behind bars—serving time for something illegal they did. You do something wrong, you get punished. There's no room for grace in the justice system. But in our little meetings there is. And my goal each week is to bring in a giant heaping of it, and dump it all over these guys, regardless of what they've done to get them there.

That's what I wish I could do for my friend sitting in the L.A. County Jail—spending Thanksgiving alone, being held on $2,000,000 bond and awaiting trial that will begin on the 30th of this month.

It's no coincidence that I searched for him on Facebook today (that's his profile pic above), only to find that my friend request was still awaiting confirmation. Then to have web search results bring up dozens of sensationalized stories about him. I couldn't believe it. But the more I read, I can believe it. Not that I think he's guilty, there's no way of knowing that. But I know for certain that we are all capable of being amazing, loving people. But also with the wrong combination of stressors, not to mention substances, people that I care about deeply, and even myself, can turn into monsters. I pray for mercy, and commit myself to continue offering grace and hope to those whom society has decided doesn't deserve them.

Pilgrim Man Commercial

2010-11-15T09:41:00.000-06:00

While t-shirts and slogans say "life is good," Mark Smeby has written an amazing anthem of hope for those of us who know sometimes it isn’t, and that we all need God’s grace and encouragement to make it through. More than a slogan, this is a beautiful song of truth, encouragement and hope. Who doesn't need to hear that?
~Jennifer Martin, Worship Pastor, Church of the Redeemer, Nashville

I Don't Need To Bark In Order To Be Heard

2010-10-29T18:23:00.001-05:00

As a writer I hate walking into a bookstore. Part of me wants to find something interesting to connect with, some new writer that will affect my life like Anne Lamott or Eugene Peterson. All the covers plead for me to judge their contents by their prettiness. Truth is, sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. But instead of discovering beautiful new literary connections, I get bowled over by the silence. Like leafing through page after page of a dating service notebook filled with women last named A-G. So much muted potential, prettied-up with a fancy exterior. Mostly, it’s the overwhelming silence of all those unsold books that is so deafening to me. And I really want to be one more of the unsold authors stacked on those disorganized shelves? What could possibly be wrong with me?

All those words on all those pages. All those hours spent by someone somewhere, hoping their efforts would have some value. All those months waiting for a publisher to pick up their manuscript. All those hours wondering if that publisher will ever do anything to promote their dang book, or if it will just get lost in the shuffle of their better-selling, celebrity-driven, ghost-written titles.

It’s very similar to going into a record store and seeing all those unsold CDs just sitting there, patiently waiting for someone to give them a chance. So much unnoticed music. At the same time, there are so many artists that sell a ton of records. So many authors who sell a ton of books. And still, so many artists and authors who have personally affected me. I’m grateful they chose to throw their heart down the chute of creativity so that I could have my life changed by their expressions.

This, I believe, is truly what compels me to create—to write, to sing, to communicate. Because I still have a glimmer of hope that it’s possible to affect another person with what I create. People usually throw out the flippant cliché de significance: “Even if just one person was affected by what I created, it will have been worth it.” Bleck. I agree in theory. But if one person was affected, couldn’t there possibly be one million more people who could be affected as well? Wouldn’t that be better for everyone? And by everyone, I mean my bank account...

There’s significant symbolism in desiring to have my voice heard. So much in society tells me I’m just like everyone else, that there really is nothing special about me. I can’t escape the feeling inside of me, though, telling me I am actually a very unique and special individual. Heck, that even you are a very unique and special individual! That indeed there is a very special story being written with my life, and that by telling that story, other people can be inspired and encouraged to live out their own story with more clarity and significance. That by my sharing how I’ve been awakened to the power I have to love and serve others, and the incredible consequences of living life that way, that just maybe you might want to join me on this journey as well. And that just maybe, the heavy load you have been asked to carry around will somehow get a little lighter. That somehow one or two layers of onion-skin-like filters will be peeled off of your eyes so you’ll be able to see more clearly the beauty of this life. For that reason, I keep creating. To say thank you to those who have gone before me and changed my life, and trusting that something beautiful happens when I shed my fear and (alleged) stupidity, and simply step up to the challenge of telling my beautiful story.

I learned a great lesson from my dog Kirby on the very first day I met her. I had just bought my first house and knew I needed to add a dog to the picture. So I visited the local animal shelter to take a look at the most needy, abandoned dogs.

They know. The dogs know when a potential master walks through the door to all their pens. They can smell it, I believe. So they do what I would do if I was in that same predicament. The door creaks open, and they start barking at the top of their lungs. “Me! Me!! Over here!!! Way in the back!! Don’t forget me!! Pick me!! I’ll be awesome, I promise!” they yip and howl. I was just browsing, trying to hold my heart in check. I walked past one obnoxious dog after another. I didn’t want a housemate who would drive me crazy with her incessant noisemaking. Then I saw her. As soon as our eyes met, this most beautiful of yellow labs dropped her front legs straight in front of her, as if she was actually bowing toward me. She stretched for a brief second, and ended lying down flat, staring straight up at me with her huge brown eyes. Not a noise. Nothing but a gentle, noiseless plea to be chosen. Brilliant. The more the barking continued from all the other dogs, I knew I found the one for me.

There are many days I feel like I’m stuck in a cage, certain that if someone important would just pick me and my impressive creative projects, my life would be as it is intended to be. Full of joy and significance. The truth is that I truly am free. I am free to create and express my heart and explore this life, seeking ways to find understanding and truth through it all. I am free to live outside the cage of others’ expectations. And I am free to be a quiet participant on the bookshelf of life. There’s great value in my story and I trust it will find the exact audience that needs to read it, so there’s no need to worry about the days that pass when no one gives my cover a second glance.

Four Overwhelming Weeks

2010-10-18T11:14:00.002-05:00

Four weeks since the Chicago 1/2 Marathon. I can't believe it's already been a month since I was in Chicago to run the big race...not to mention the release of my CD. It's been an exciting month! I'm blown away by the tremendous response people are giving the project - saying all kinds of nice things about the songs. I hope it's encouraging, inspiring, and ultimately life-giving. Here's a bit of a recap of the last month...

Sept. 12 - Chicago 1/2 Marathon - had a blast. I indeed did prove that "Impossible is Nothing" by accomplishing something I had considered impossible only 12 weeks earlier.
Sept. 14 - PILGRIM MAN CD released - I celebrated by watching the Twins beat the White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago with my friend Dennis Rizo.
Sept. 16 - Fall softball season starts. Awesome. Continues on Thursdays & Mondays into November.
Sept. 17 - CD Release Party (Nashville) - A fantastic gathering of friends from throughout my years here in Music City. Finger foods and beverages. I shared a handful of new songs - a couple live, and a couple on CD. Ended with a great prayer time, thanks to the amazing Brenda Boswell, who has been a beautiful source of encouragement to me ever since we met in 1994.

Sept. 19 - My first stop on the Pilgrim Man Fall 2010 Tour - Roanoke, VA. Had a blast at Vinton Baptist Church with Chris, Bill, and my good friends the Perrington's. Sang in their two AM services, then did a concert that evening. Had a blast - so thankful for the opportunity to meet these great people - and share my songs & stories with them.
Sept. 26th - Outdoor picnic concert at Brook Hollow Baptist Church in West Nashville - thanks to my friend, JR Davis and their Pastor Tom.
Oct. 3rd - Music at my own church!! Church of the Redeemer - Nashville. I love my church - there's such a great, loving, non-pretentious spirit. I'm thrilled to get to serve the body with music, together with the other awesome musicians and our leader, Jennifer Martin.
Oct. 6th - Interview with KFSI Rochester, MN - my new favorite radio station - to promote my concert this weekend. They've been playing my song "Pilgrim Man" for a while, and it's extra special because my parents & a ton of friends live there and get to hear it!

Oct. 10th - Great day at Rochester Covenant Church - two AM services - and big concert that evening. Blew me away to get to sing with their church choir on "Pilgrim Man" and "This World Is Not My Home." Had great help in the concert from Pat, Will & Shannon from the church on BGVs. Had a bunch of family and friends show up, and even surprise me - including a couple I went to college with in Nebraska and hadn't seen for 22 years. They saw a poster for the concert my dad put up in a shop and decided to come and bring their boys. Awesome.

So what's ahead? God only knows. I hope to make it back to the Midwest a few more times this fall, including Omaha, Iowa, Missouri, and even Minnesota again. I'll keep you posted. If you know somewhere I could come sing, let's make it happen.

Thanks for all your love & support. It's all for God & you.

Post Run Recap From Chicago

2010-09-13T10:00:00.001-05:00

Man...I did it. What an amazing experience. On the eve of my CD release, I recorded some thoughts from the race. I'm so grateful to everyone who has been cheering me on. We're all on a great journey -and we need each other to keep going!

I'm Answering the Call To Adventure

2010-09-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

My friend Danny ran with me!!

I was #948 in the Franklin Classic this past Monday morning. Nobody special—just another guy in the crowd. One of a thousand others who braved the early morning start time and the physical challenge of the race. We started as a giant clump of anticipation, and after the starting gun, spread out like a giant amoeba on a long, long road. Heads bounced up and down around me, and little kids raced by. I kept saying to myself, “Hold back, pace yourself, pace yourself.” More kids zoomed past by me. The run was actually quite fun—the energy high all around me. But the best part was at the end, as complete strangers cheered as I crossed the finish line…my first race. My practice race. See, I've never been a runner—actually more of an anti-runner. Running was the one thing that I put into the "impossible" category. I've tried running before, but was always met with way too much back and knee pain. Not to mention the "L" word—laziness.

But earlier this summer I felt something developing inside of me. It was a desire for an adventure—something really big, something crazy, maybe even a little dangerous. Then a friend told me about the Chicago Half Marathon he was running on September 12th and my heart jumped. That was it. My adventure: running a half marathon.

So I've been training all summer—running nearly 250 miles through all this crazy heat we've been experiencing. This has unquestionably been the most physically challenging experience of my life. But so much of the battle has been in my head. The "I can't" or the "I won't be able to" or "That's impossible" or "I need to stop…" There have been some really tough days—I've cried, I've winced. And some really great days—goosebump-inducing runs and even tears of joy shed. I've developed strength and confidence I never knew I had. I've lost weight! And I've uncovered some amazing camaraderie among other runners.

I started telling my story to friends online, even though there were days I didn't think my story was worth telling; I was just another runner, and everybody knows a runner. So what's so special about my story? I believe my story is special because it's mine. What I was doing wasn’t necessarily unique, but my perspective certainly was. And suddenly what I was doing became bigger and more significant than I had ever imagined.

It began with a couple of people who encouraged me as I posted about reaching running milestones. I was fearful of looking like I was bragging—"Look at me! I ran 3.2 miles today!" I quickly let go of that when I realized I really needed the encouragement I was getting from this handful of people. I couldn't worry about who might think I was bragging. So I began to take post-run videos of myself—capturing the raw emotions and realizations I was having while running. I was testifying! Testifying to the power of going after something you think is impossible. And my hope has been that in the process, others would be encouraged to tackle whatever is in front of them.

But training for the big race hasn't been the only thing I've been working on this summer. Over the past four months, I've been completing my first ever CD. Seventeen years ago I moved to Nashville from Minneapolis with the dream of recording a CD of my music. And there have been months and years of crying, praying, waiting, singing, writing, crying, recording, praying… Throughout this journey, I've heard every kind of feedback that a person can hear: "What a voice! You're gonna be huge!" all the way to, "You're so average you should just join a boy band." Even well intentioned people tried to discourage me from dreaming too big, and focus on doing something that would be easier. All the while, I've chosen to listen to the voice inside of me saying: “Don't give up!”

I didn't. And I couldn't be more proud of the result. I feel the same way about my running. It's as if all those 17 years have been encapsulated in my summer-long journey to Sunday’s finish line—interestingly enough, two days before the release of my CD.

I had no clue that one of my songs, "Pilgrim Man," would play such a big part in the story. The chorus says, "Pilgrim man don't give up, though the road may be long and the journey hard. You are not alone and God will carry you. Hold on Pilgrim man, you're almost home." There have been people who have written me and said they ran their last mile with that song on repeat. There have been many days when I actually sang those words to myself, especially as the heat and humidity and pain and exhaustion were pressing down on me from all sides. The response has been overwhelming. Some people have even been inspired to start running. But people are finding hope in the message, even if they’re not runners. This blows me away.

People are finding strength they never knew they had. And we're all finding out that we're not alone. Not matter what we are going through, there are always going to be opportunities (and very valid reasons!) to quit and give up. But I'm choosing to be one person who waves a giant flag out front and says, "You are stronger than you realize! Don't give up!" We all need to know that we're not alone, and that there is great value in not giving up, no matter how much we might feel like we should.

Each person who crossed the finish line last Monday in Franklin, as well as each who finishes this weekend in Chicago, has an amazing story to tell of how they made it there. As I cross the finish line of my first half marathon, I'm sure I'll be crying tears of joy—knowing it is still possible to defeat the impossible, no matter the obstacles.

###

Mark Smeby is a singer/actor/runner based in Nashville. His first CD, Pilgrim Man, is releasing on September 14, 2010 via iTunes and the trunk of his car.

It's Strange To Release A CD

2010-09-05T18:30:00.003-05:00

I'm hesitant to even write about this. But it's such a strange thing to do to complete and release a CD. Especially when it's something I've been dreaming about doing for 17 years. After all those years of seriously wondering if I'm completely crazy...and even being told by some people that I am... there's a bit of a feeling of redemption in the completion of this project. And I'm so happy that early reports from people who have heard some of it are very positive.

So what's the point? This is for all the people who are wondering if they are crazy, as well. You're not. But that doesn't necessarily mean that your dreams are going to come true, or in the way you hope they will. Or in your desired timeframe. But I can promise you this: If you don't give up, and continue working towards your goal, seeking wisdom from people who know more than you, you will find yourself going places and doing things that you never imagined.

There are a lot of people who want to make a CD who need to really work on finding their own unique voice. They need to take a lot of lessons, and learn how to write better songs. And they need to tell an engaging story, something that other people will want to hear. That's when you'll be met with an audience at an unexpected time. No audience is concerned about perfection, but they are looking for passion and authenticity.

My number one goal while making this CD was to create a project that only I could create. I didn't want to make a CD just like everybody else. So what is it about me that makes me so unique? That's what I had to dive in and uncover. And I'm thrilled to feel like I accomplished that.

My hope? That people would know more clearly how loved they are after listening. To feel that hope is closer than they imagined. And that life is an awesome adventure worth diving into - heart first.

PILGRIM MAN releases on iTunes 9.14.10 - or just let me know if you want a physical CD.

Check out a sample of each of the songs from the CD using the widget at the top right of this page!

Power of Community To Help Reach Your Goals

2010-09-04T12:25:00.001-05:00

Beyond my comprehension, I just ran 10 miles this morning. My final long run before the big race next weekend. But I couldn't have done it alone.

Again...Why Am I Running?

2010-08-28T12:21:00.001-05:00

The challenge of this morning 9 mile run made me really stop and voice again (to myself) why I am doing this. This morning's big bummer: iPod froze up halfway through the run. Is it normal for an iPod to give out before its owner does?

How's the CD Coming Along?

2010-08-21T12:42:00.004-05:00

I'm grateful there are people in my life that ask me this question. Actually, I've had people asking me this question for about 17 years. And of course, I've had different answers throughout the years—sometimes optimistic, sometimes horribly pessimistic. It's a question that has been wrought with all kinds of expectation—mostly self-imposed. As if my level of value as a human being was based on when my CD would finally get made.

I know that I've spent a lot of those 17 years (since moving to Nashville from Minneapolis) waiting for someone to give me permission to start living the life of my dreams - which would be symbolized by their investment in me as an artist. I gave a lot of power to small handful of people, gate keepers at record labels - some even friends - who I shouldn't have. And most all of those people have moved on to something else by now. So I'm left wondering, "Who am I supposed to give my power to now?" By power, I mean, the power to tell me I'm a valid artist/person.

I'm thankful for the all the songs I've written over these years. Ok, maybe not ALL of them…but most of them, because they were written from a place of honesty. I didn't have a label or a publisher to tell me the songs needed to be more this or that, just to be able to sell them, or find a place on another artist's CD.

I've never wanted to just release a mediocre collection of songs, recorded in my basement. Heck, I don't even have a basement. I really wanted to create a project that reeks of excellence. Not so that people will be impressed, but I believe God is most glorified through our excellence. I also know how crappy work can be a major distraction away from a message, no matter how great that message is.

Throughout these years, I thought my heart would be enough to justify someone giving me a chance to make a record. But it turns out that people have to believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt - and the cynicism of a conference room full of label execs - that they could make money off of me and my music.

I can see now how that has never been a possibility. There are several reasons for that, but I've decided that I can't wait around for someone else to give me permission to start living the life I desire.

So I'm throwing my own party - and it looks like the PILGRIM MAN project - releasing 9.14.10. What an amazing experience this has been for me. I've had an incredible time working with people way more talented than I…using their skills to shape, clarify and magnify my vision for this project.

And I'm so proud about how it's turning out. Not because of what it's going to do for me, and my career. But for what it's going to do for other people. That change of perspective is what is allowing me to push through any obstacles, to invest more money in this that what is probably reasonable, and to strive for a deeper level of creativity and excellence than I have ever imagined…so that God can have a tool to use to make Himself and His love more real to someone who is open to it.

I know God is going to have His way with this CD. I can't tell God what to do with it. Except to ask for His blessing on it. And trust that the best is truly yet to come.

Tribute to the School Crossing Guard By My House

2010-08-19T09:34:00.001-05:00

This amazing lady blessed me this morning with a beautiful, random act of kindness. I pay tribute to her with today's video. She made me so happy. Now it's my turn. Has this ever happened to you?

Why Have I Chosen Self-Pity?

2010-08-17T10:33:00.001-05:00

For too long I have listened to negative voices, even though surrounded by encouragement. Why did I waste so much time? Just under 4 weeks left of training...and CD comes out 4 wks from today!

Is Delayed Gratification Really Better?

2010-08-15T08:31:00.003-05:00

Today was a really tough run. And this video isn't pretty. I'm choosing to press on, though...to continue on this path, regardless of how long, or how difficult it might be.

Don't Stress (Even if you get hit by a car...)

2010-08-07T10:11:00.002-05:00

Today marks the longest run ever in my entire life. I was a bit concerned about what it was going to be like, until someone told me to not even think about it. Just do it. So I did. And I'm thrilled.

Info About the Movie I'm In

2010-08-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

Here's some great news about the movie I'm so honored to be a part of. If you read this press release, I'm the "saintly mentor" mentioned. Type-casting, right? HA! More info to come as we progress...

Kelly's Filmworks Takes On Breast Cancer With New Film, "1 Message"

Kelly's Filmworks Ltd, known for such thought-provoking films as 'Clancy' and 'The Perfect Stranger', is embarking on a new movie project that deals with the challenges of the breast cancer victim.

"1 Message" tells the story of Becca, a beautiful 28-year-old woman whose perfect life is severely interrupted by the discovery of a lump in her breast. A double mastectomy follows, as well as a dark descent into seclusion and depression. The storyline revolves around her gradual reemergence into a world she sees with new eyes, thanks to a saintly mentor she encounters online.

Based on the novel of the same name by Mary T. Lennox, the screenplay was written by actor Jefferson Moore, who also serves as director and executive producer. Moore's wife, Kelly Worthington, is producer on the project. The couple started Kelly's Filmworks in 2003.

Moore received the novel back in 2006 from Ms. Lennox, a Catholic nun, who was inquiring as to whether or not her first book effort had merit as a screenplay.

"I was immediately drawn to the emotion of the story", says Moore, "it had such a strong message that inspired on so many different levels - inner beauty, family values, self-worth, and the amazing healing power of forgiveness. As a reader, I found myself touched and motivated at the same time, and I knew that feeling would resonate with movie audiences as well." (Moore's mother, Betty, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007.)

New York theatre actress Ashley Kate Adams makes her movie debut in the role of Becca, the young woman who believes that her beauty is lost when cancer changes her body. For Ashley, auditioning for the role came with a great personal significance - her grandmother was a cancer patient who also had endured a double mastectomy. According to her, she felt an inner connection to what the main character was going through as a result of her grandmother's experience.

Adams' age was also a determining factor in how "1 Message" will be presented to the viewing public.

"Breast cancer has always been perceived as a 'mature woman's disease' - but that is not the case," says Moore. As a result of this common misconception, Adams will be appearing in a series of online public service announcements, aimed directly at twenty somethings, encouraging them not to neglect monthly self exams.

Kelly's Filmworks' vision for the release of "1 Message" is to carry the 'service' notion one step further; a percentage of proceeds from box office, television and DVD sales from the film will be donated to breast cancer research and prevention. The studio is currently seeking a national partner to help generate awareness for the project, and to serve as its main beneficiary; talks have already begun with several of the larger cancer foundations. "Right now its all about finding a good fit," says Kelly.

Principal photography on the film will continue through the end of August. A release date has not yet been set.

Pilgrim Man CD (Cover & Tracklisting)

2010-07-29T22:12:00.002-05:00

Set for release on September 14, 2010, here's the cover and tracklisting for the new Pilgrim Man CD. Please visit the store page above for all the details or just go ahead right now and send an email to mark@marksmeby.com if you want to pre-order your own copy. Thank you for all your support!

1. Here's Your Life - Some people seem to be waiting for permission to start living their life - here's the invitation & it's the party track!
2. Pilgrim Man (available now on iTunes) - an anthemic song of hope & encouragement
3. Just Watch Me - a song of courage & empowerment
4. Walk On The Water - I gotta get out of this boat!
5. Time For Hope - a powerful song of hope, regardless of circumstances
6. Turn My Eyes Upon You - a prayer for clarity
7. Don't Forget Me When I Fall - we can't let anyone slip through the cracks
8. Precious Memories - my gratitude song
9. What I Want -funky tune about desire
10. All I Want Is You - you can't work your way into My love
11. This World Is Not My Home - my hallelujah chorus

Please help spread the word--you can share the music player in the upper right hand side of this page, you can retweet below, or email this info by clicking on the little envelope just below! And please shoot me an email if you want to pre-order your copy! Thank you!

Longest Run Ever in the History of (This) Man

2010-07-24T12:43:00.002-05:00

What I Actually Sound Like in the Studio

2010-07-22T20:17:00.000-05:00

It's not pretty. But here's me working on my vocal for a great new tune "Here's Your Life" that I wrote with Scott Sheriff. It's going to be on my new PILGRIM MAN CD coming out in September. The patient voice in the background is the way talented (and a great runner!) Doug Beiden.

I Only Have To Do TWO Miles Today?

2010-07-20T20:12:00.001-05:00

A special shout-out to Gary DeVeau at Long Island's WLIX who has asked me to keep him and his listeners up to date on my training journey with regular audio check-ins! Awesome! We are all on our own kinds of journeys - some more personal than others. I hope my running...and my quest to prove that Impossible is indeed Nothing...is inspiring to others to never give up! (Just like my tune "Pilgrim Man" says!) Thanks Gary for the encouragement!!

Why I Am Running...

2010-07-17T10:09:00.001-05:00

Help Me Make the "Pilgrim Man" Music Video!

2010-07-12T14:18:00.005-05:00

To celebrate the September release of my Pilgrim Man CD project, I would love your help with the creation of the "Pilgrim Man" music video! This video will be used to promote the album, and I will also use it behind me when I sing the tune in concert! The goal is to make this as inspirational and encouraging to other people as possible. So what can you do to help? Well, thanks for asking…

I would love you to send me video clips of you (or people you know) doing things like:

Holding up powerful signs of encouragement, i.e. "Don't give up" etc. "You can do it," "You're not alone," "God Will Carry You," etc.
Hold up a sign of testimony, i.e. "I had cancer…but I'm a survivor." "Didn't think I could do it, but I just ran my first 1/2 marathon," etc. Make it personal! Check out "Cardboard Testimonies" on youtube.com for some ideas.
Helping someone else, i.e. Mission trip videos, working with kids, volunteering at a shelter or a nursing home.
Singing along with the song in an interesting place.
Doing something challenging or difficult - for someone it might be climbing a rock, for someone else it might be walking… what is it for you?

Here's a great example of a clip from Craig in St. Louis:

GET A COPY OF THE SONG: If you want, you can download the song on iTunes (itunes.com/marksmeby), or you can listen to/play the song on facebook.com/MarkSmeby - click on the "My Band" tab. While you're there, feel free to "Like" me. Heck, I'll even email you the tune if that'd help!

UPLOAD: Once you create your video (hopefully at the highest quality possible - HD is great!), upload it to YouTube, and then email me the link to see it: mark@marksmeby.com - subject line: My Music Video Clip! You don't have to record the entire song, just as much as you'd like.

DEADLINE: Please send me your link by August 16th!

SMALL PRINT: Once the CD is released I will send a FREE copy to everyone whose clip I use, so please include your mailing address. Your email will then be added to the semi-official Mark Smeby email list, so let me know if you don't want to be added to it, okay? The videos you submit must not be taken from anywhere other than your own camera or phone. They must be created by you. You are forfeiting your rights to the video once you submit it to me. Meaning, even if this video wins Video of the Year on MTV, you're not gonna get any money for it. Sorry!

I look forward to seeing your creativity and so appreciate your help!

Recording Vocals for Pilgrim Man

2010-07-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

This is what I looked like while recording the vocals for my tune "Pilgrim Man." And unfortunately, this isn't what I sounded like. This is the finished mix after all the magicians do their tricks and make me sound like an actual singer. Thanks to Chris Davis for producing a killer track, Tim Brown for a killer mix, Matt Huesmann for the great studio, and JR & Johnathan Davis for shooting the video!

Movie, Music, Marathon - Smeby Update

2010-07-06T12:04:00.000-05:00

This whole blogging thing is so strange to me. I picture an imaginary audience out there...you know, people who actually care...and think about what might be interesting for them to read. The problem is, when it's your own life, and it all kinda melts together in a mush of good and bad, fantastic and boring, it's hard to determine what another person might find interesting. (So if you're reading this, I'd love to get your feedback - what would you like to read about?)

Things are progressing well in my creative life. Filming has begun on "1 Message" - the new motion picture from Kelly's Filmworks. I'm so honored to have been asked to be a part of this fantastic story. It's a beautiful, poignant story about a young woman's battle with the ravaging affects of breast cancer. I have an amazing role that is going to really challenge me--so I'm thrilled about it. And you're going to absolutely love Ashley Kate Adams (on the left, with fellow actor Tom Luce on the right) as the lead. She's originally from Louisville (where the filming is taking place) but she's living in NYC and doing the Broadway singing/acting thing...I'm hoping this film could be a big deal for her...and that I get to ride a little bit of her coattails!!

Speaking of challenges, training for the Chicago 1/2 Marathon is right on schedule. I'm learning about courage and discipline. About saying yes when everything in your body says no. And saying no when your body says yes. It's a very spiritual experience. I highly recommend it. I wish someone would've told me sooner how my passion for life is so symbolized by running. How no matter the pain or the distance or the heat or the quality of the road, you have got to keep going!! (cue "Pilgrim Man")

Speaking of "Pilgrim Man" - the tune has unbelievably been added to 100 stations now and is making an impact bigger than I had ever dreamed. I'm looking forward to the launch of the next phase of radio promotions starting this coming week. In the meantime, I continue to plug away at finishing the whole dang Pilgrim Man CD. I'm so excited to be able to share some of these new songs with you. I'm really striving to put heart, sincerity, and emotion at the forefront. With a bit of fun thrown in for good measure. More than anything I want people to know how loved they are.

Here's something I wrote recently about the one word I believe will change your life.

Hope you are finding hope for the journey. You are not alone.

P.S. Please send me an email if you know somewhere I could come do a concert! Thanks!

Time To Remove Some of the CANT'S and NEVERS From My Life

2010-06-21T09:17:00.001-05:00

I just accomplished something I've never done before. And I'm feeling really good about it. I never thought I'd be a runner. And really, I'm probably not. But I did just complete my very first, without ever stopping, 5K up and down Hillsboro Rd.

See, just a couple of weeks ago, I decided to sign up for an adventure. It's called a Half Marathon, and I'll be flying up to Chicago in the middle of September to do it. But until then, I'll be training here in the heat of Nashville. Training for something I most likely vowed to never do sometime in the past.

It's easy to get to a certain time in life and say, "Oh, I surely CAN'T do that…" or "I NEVER will do that…" or how about, I'll "NEVER be able to do that!" I want to remove some of the CAN'TS and NEVERS from my life.

I'm in an interesting season in my life when I'm faced with several very huge challenges in front of me, and I'm not exactly sure I'm going to be able to pull them off. One of them is this 1/2 marathon. Another is working to complete the Pilgrim Man CD project. The third thing is a movie role I was just invited to tackle. It's going to challenge me to act at a level I've never had the opportunity to approach before now. And right now, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it. I think maybe I can…but I'm not sure. The half marathon? I'm not sure I'll be able to do it without taking half a day. Or without passing out. Or wimping out. And the CD project is forcing me to take my creativity and my passion to a whole other level. My goal: create a CD that only Mark Smeby could create. Anybody can make a CD, but nobody else could ever make a Mark Smeby CD. I think I can do this…but I'm not sure.

And honestly, with each of these three challenges, it doesn't matter if I "pull them off" or not. Because I'm living the life I want to live, and that means going after things that appear difficult, or maybe even impossible…or maybe even unreasonable.

And what I'm experiencing is incredible joy and satisfaction along the way. There are moments where a new song will come together and surprise me with its beauty. There are times when I remember all the hundreds of other acting challenges I've had in my lifetime, and how this new one is simply the "next" one. And with the running, while my face is red and my ankles a bit wobbly, I feel like I just won something this morning by tackling my first 5K…even without a crowd cheering me on—just a dog waiting to lick some of the sweat off my palms.

I'm feeling the brevity of life. A greater desire to squeeze life for all it's worth. Enough sitting around and waiting for my life to happen. Or spending my time wishing the past would magically change and turn me into some kind of better, more well adjusted person.

It's my chance today to become the person I want to become, and live the life I want to live. And the life I want to live is filled with nearly impossible challenges, but is being met with deeper satisfaction and joy than I ever dreamed possible.

Any suggestions for how you remove CAN'TS and NEVERS from your life? I'd love to hear from you.

"Don't give up. Though the road may be long, and the journey hard. You are not alone."

Behind the Scenes Recording the Pilgrim Man CD

2010-06-18T22:46:00.006-05:00

From the luxurious Tenbury Wells Studio on Penbrook Drive in swanky Franklin, TN. HA! I'm so excited about this - my first real recorded piano solo! I'm doing this as a tribute to my friend Tom Howard who died earlier this year - it's his amazing arrangement. I'm so proud to have known him.

"Pilgrim Man" Hits 79 Radio Stations - CD Underway

2010-05-29T13:54:00.001-05:00

Man, I'm so excited about the response that "Pilgrim Man" man is getting at radio. It's so difficult for a new artist to get airplay…so to have 79 stations take a chance on an unknown like me is really extraordinary.

I hope people are being encouraged by the song. I usually write things that I need to hear myself, and so what happens is that I'll pop the tune in my car and something will hit me in the lyrics that I really needed to hear. That's amazing to me, and makes me feel like God is involved in this process…that it's not just about me being clever or talented. It's about God using a semi-normal guy to create a tool that He will use to encourage His children...including me! What an honor to be a part of this!

I'll be getting my Pilgrim Man preview CDs from the duplicators this coming week. It has four songs on it, plus me talking about where the songs came from, why I wrote them, etc. I call it a preview CD because I'm working on the full CD project right now. I'll be taking the preview CD to concerts or selling it online to promote the full project. If you want to buy just the preview CD for $5 you can do that…or you can buy the full CD for $15 and I'll send you the preview CD now, and the full CD when that's completed. Shoot me an email if you're interested: mark@marksmeby.com

I'm blown away by how the new songs are sounding. I'm working with people who are soooo talented. I can't wait for you to hear songs like "Here's Your Life" that I wrote with Scott Sheriff -- it sounds a little like Lionel Richie meets Phil Collins' "Sussudio." Also, "This Is A Time For Hope" that I'm writing with Chris Davis is a powerful dramatic song, and helps to fulfill my desire to pour buckets of hope all over people, regardless of their circumstance. Tim Brown has taken the song I wrote with Scott Krippayne, "Don't Forget Me When I Fall," and turned it into something magical.

We're going to have to have a big party when this thing is all done. You're invited!

Grandma Mildred (1915-2010)

2010-05-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

My Grandma Mildred was a poet, a writer, a teacher, a musician. She focused on being creative and then taught others to do so, as well. She demonstrated how to live an unconventional life, showing me that I could as well. She was rootsy and advantgarde before I knew what that meant, or even more, how to appreciate it. She taught me that life isn't always lived between the lines.

I love that whenever we'd visit her Eau Claire, WI house as kids, the house was full of mystery and intrigue. She always let me explore. She always let me put my hands on new musical instruments I'd never seen before, or to play her big organ with all the fun sounds. She always let me be adventurous. I'm grateful for that lesson and hope to continue to be adventurous, and encourage others to do likewise.

I love that she did an acting stint in the Grande Olde Players in Omaha. She taught me that you're never too old to put on makeup and get up in front of people and act silly.

I love that she took such good care of our dog Scamp in her final dog days. She showed me that even though you live alone, you never have to be lonely.

Grandma Mildred was never fake or artificial. She never wanted to convince anyone that she was anything other than just herself. Sometimes that meant putting on makeup and big jewelry to go play the piano for all the "old people". Sometimes it meant just lounging in her nightgown. I'm grateful for her teaching me that there's a time and place to be fancy, even if other people don't agree.

I don't claim to understand a lot about how she lived her life, or how she managed to live as long as she did on her regular diet of crossword puzzles and romance novels. But I admire her contentment with simplicity. As I grow older, I hope to eliminate clutter and excess.

Her love for me appeared to grow with her age. Oddly enough, the less she was able to walk, the more she was able to say "I love you" to me. I hope to say "I love you" more, the older I grow, as well.

Love, Mark

Advice I Wish Someone Would've Given Me

2010-05-11T09:35:00.004-05:00

I'm a big fan of going after the desires of your heart—mostly because I believe God put them there, and also because of the joy I get from doing it! If you're like me at all, you know how difficult it can be to set your sails in a certain direction you'd like to go, only to find out there's no wind and the boat seems to have leaks in all the strangest places.

This is one of my most favorite quotes: "Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." —Calvin Coolidge

Here are a few things that I wish someone would've told me a while back. I think learning these early on would've made my life a bit easier...and perhaps made me see I was less crazy than I am tempted to believe I am.

Don't waste your time putting energy in fruitless directions. I've kept myself very busy doing things to distract me from doing what I really need to be doing.
Be patient—good things happen over time. Great seldom happens immediately.
Be bold when you feel you should be—don't let fear hold you back at all from what you desire.
Know your audience—be discrete and wise about who you share your desires and dreams with. Some will cheer you on, others won't. Some who care won't know how to show it.
Practice more than you think you need to. As a kid, I used to want to perform my newest magic trick before I had it perfected. I never become a really great magician because of this.
Find your unique story. No matter how much you are looking to follow the path laid down by others, your story will never look their theirs—yours is a unique story that has never been written, and is one that not everyone will understand or applaud. But yours is the story that must be told.

As I'm working on completing the Pilgrim Man CD project, I'm realizing that the world doesn't need another record that is like everything else, just to try to "fit in." I need to make a CD that only Mark Smeby could make. I'm going to aim for being the very best at being myself, in life and in music. I hope you'll join me!

Lessons I Learned From the Flood

2010-05-05T17:14:00.005-05:00

Life has been flipped completely upside-down for many people in Nashville. Over the past weekend, we experienced a crazy amount of rain, up to 20” in some parts. And it all came so quickly that the rivers didn’t know what to do—except to go places they’ve never been before. Places we never imagined they would go.

The center of this picture is where I play softball - you can see the
dark roof of the school on the right edge, my house is just above the school.

The devastation is mind-blowing. The effect this flood will have on our economy remains to be seen, but will most certainly be in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Many people lost their lives. Thousands of people lost everything in their homes, and even more people are left with a huge mess to clean up. I’m grateful so many people have asked if I needed anything—fortunately the waters receded before they came inside my house. Many people in my subdivision, and our town, are really struggling right now.

Sunday was a bit scary, surreal, crazy, and intriguing as we helplessly watched the water have its way with our street. During one of the breaks in the rain, I stepped out into the street to examine the rising waters. I found a small group of my neighbors talking. I discovered that one of my neighbors was afraid because he couldn’t get out of his driveway, and was running low on groceries. I told him to make a list, and we’d take care of it. One neighbor (whom I had never met before) had a truck and was willing to take me through the water-logged streets to the store, and then insisted on splitting the bill with me. Through the experience of our like-minded mission, I made a friend.

The flood of 2010 has taught me a few powerful lessons:

1) The Church rocks. So many people are quick to judge the church as being a place of hypocrites, full of pious posers. (That’s a whole ‘nother discussion!) But when tragedy strikes, it’s the church that rallies their troops and heads out to meet the needs of the helpless and hurting—to be the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus Christ. So many churches have turned into shelters, relief agencies, and more. At its best, the church is vital to the development and survival of a community. This has been displayed to me this week.

My house on Sunday afternoon

2) Everybody has a story from this flood. And they need to share it. This has shown me that whenever people go through something horrible, you might feel like you don’t know what to do, but the easiest thing you can do is listen. Listen as they recount the details of what they’ve gone through. Anyone can do this, and it helps tremendously.

3) When you have a need, please tell someone about it. Pride says, “Don’t ask for help. You can do this on your own.” Humility says, “Hey, could someone lend me a hand?” Don’t hold onto your need—whatever it may be—tell someone about it. And then experience the power of community as you let someone help you.

The beauty of receding waters on Monday morning

4) Living your life by giving it away to others is the best way to live. This has been a week of people coming together, giving their lives away for the benefit of others in need. It builds friendships and restores hope to the hopeless. Incredible.

We, the people of Nashville, have been forced to go places many of us have never been before. And I’m so proud of what I’ve seen. I’m so grateful to be a part of a community of people that is committed to giving their lives away to help others. When a need arises, people arrive with willing hearts and open hearts—hope personified.

Pilgrim Man - Introduction Video

2010-04-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

Pilgrim Man Hits #3 on Chart

2010-04-14T10:06:00.020-05:00

It's very encouraging whenever I get a notice that another radio station is playing my song. Incredibly enough, the song has jumped all the way up to #3 on the CRW Global AC impressions chart. I'm not completely sure what all that means, except I'm encouraged by it...cause it could definitely be at a lower spot on the chart. It looks like 32 stations are playing it now, which means that even if each station only has two listeners (the DJ and one other person) that means roughly 64 people have heard my tune. Awesome. Thank you for all your support!!

Here's a complete list of stations playing "Pilgrim Man" as of this week. Please call your local Christian radio station and request it.

(new since last post)
WNPQ: New Philadelphia, OH
WJFY: Heath, OH
WJFZ: Canton, OH
highenergyfm.com - Scotland
WDOV: Athens WV - internet
radioforlife.net:
WGGP: Big Pine Key, FL
KJAN AM 1220: Atlantic, Iowa
KROZ: Hobbs, NM
WGLY: Vermont
CHSB: Bedford, Nova Scotia
WMHR: Syracuse, NY
Real Country Radio: Japan
WSEW: S. Maine/ SE NH

(previously mentioned)
WBYN: Princeton NJ/Allentown, PA
KGPS: Kingman, Az.
WKBO: Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle
WFST: Northern Maine and Western New Brunswick
WXML: Upper Sandusky, OH
WSWV-AM/FM: Pennington Gap, VA
WGMA: Spindale, NC
KFLO-FM: Shreveport (sent full version)
WLIX FM: Long Island's Voice of Hope
NewCreation internet radio
BethelPilotRadio - Bethel College (IN)
Joglen Gospel Internet Radio, MD
Hope Radio Online: Leitchfield, KY
Signs & Wonders Radio - Ashland, VA
thecssonline.net: Glendale, AZ
EJNM.net: Montreal, Que.
WWIP: Norfolk/Virginia Beach/Newport News
Word Outreach Radio: Northamptonshire, England

"Pilgrim Man" - Update

2010-03-26T11:57:00.014-05:00

Thank you to everybody for responding so amazingly to my "Pilgrim Man" tune. This might sound weird, but people are saying things that I have always dreamed of them saying. Does that make sense? I have hoped for so long that people would be impacted by my singing and writing, and so to have those two things combined into one package called "Pilgrim Man" is quite a joy for me. Check this out from Julie Branham, Director of the Nashville Soul Choir:

"It drew me in from the moment I heard the opening pulsing rhythm, like a weary heart beating from a long journey, and then the encouraging words “Pilgrim Man, don’t give up. Though the road may be long and the journey hard…” I think we’ve all been there at some point in our lives, wondering if this is all that life has to offer, wanting to let go and give up. Pilgrim Man is a song for everyone who needs to know that they are NOT alone on this journey of life. That every day IS a brand new day and the best is yet to come.

There is nothing like hearing a song by an artist who has penned something that they have obviously, personally lived, and then delivered with a passion that is unmistakable. And, to me, Mark’s voice has never sounded better. Throughout the song, that 'weary heartbeat' gets stronger and stronger and then the song explodes into a huge chorus that will surely become an anthem for many who hear and experience it."

Wow!! Thank you so much, Julie!!

RADIO CHART INFO: It's a super slow climb up any chart. Slower than I had anticipated, or feel like I can bear at times. I don't know what's normal, what's good, what's awesome...so I just have to wait and see. Kind of a strange, out-of-control feeling. Is it enough of a success if my song has had a potential audience impression of 48,800? How many impressions or spins is enough? I think I need to answer this question...but for now, I'm unclear -- but still thrilled.

Here's a new role call of stations who have taken a chance on playing the tune:

WFST: Northern Maine and Western New Brunswick
WKBO: Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle
KGPS: Kingman, Az.
WBYN-AM: Lehighton, PA/ Allentown, PA
WLIX FM: Long Island's Voice of Hope
KFLO-FM: Shreveport
WNPQ: New Philadelphia, OH
WXML: Upper Sandusky, OH
WJFY: Heath, OH
WGMA: Spindale, NC
WSWV: Pennington Gap, VA
WKBO: Camp Hill, PA
NewCreation internet radio
Joglen Gospel Internet Radio, MD
BethelPilotRadio - Bethel College (IN)
Signs & Wonders Radio - Ashland, VA
Hope Radio Online: Leitchfield, KY
EJNM.net: Montreal, Que.
thecssonline.net: Glendale, AZ
radioforlife.net:
WWIP: Norfolk/Virginia Beach/Newport News
Word Outreach Radio: Northamptonshire, England

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement!!! Mark

Radio Stations Are Playing My Song!!

2010-03-05T15:15:00.005-06:00

I couldn't be more excited about the fact that even though we just finished the mix of "Pilgrim Man" this past Monday night at 12:30am, we already have FOUR stations that have said they will play my tune! Can you believe it?! Awesome. I'm thrilled at the comments people are making about the song - and how they're being encouraged by it.

Here's the roll call:
WFST: Northern Maine and Western New Brunswick
WKBO: Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle
KGPS: Kingman, Az.
WBYN-AM: Lehighton, PA/ Allentown, PA
(more stations added - see next blog entry!)

Please feel free to call your local station and tell them you'd like to hear "Pilgrim Man." Or geez, call me and tell me you'd like to hear it! (Or find the song on iTunes, if you'd like it for your iPod!)

Thanks for all your support!
Mark

Pilgrim Man - What’s It All For?

2010-02-28T16:14:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting at the mixing console with my good friend Tim Brown at the reigns. We're working on the mix of my tune "Pilgrim Man" and I couldn't be more blown away. It is sounding so amazing -- I can't wait for you to hear it. My friend and producer extraordinaire, Chris Davis (Veggie Tales, Ruth McGuinness), created an amazing track. We got fellow Minnesotan Paul Eckberg (Eager) to throw some awesome drums on it, and Mike Payne (Matthew West) did killer guitar parts. Then we had a small soiree at my house, with members of Nashville Soul Choir over to sing the big chorus parts and the blessing at the end—they blew me away. Then Matt Huesmann let us use his studio to record my lead vocals. To top it all off, JR and Jonathan Davis (Winco Productions) caught the whole thing on HD video. I'm struck by a couple of things about this whole process:

#1 - I'm blown away by the amazing talent of my friends, and their willingness to step up and help me, even when there doesn't appear to be anything for them to gain from it all. I hope I can repay them somehow. For now, love will have to do.

#2 - It's really incredible how much work goes into just one song. It seems like music is so disposable these days, doesn't it? So many songs fly by you on the radio every day, in the background in the restaurant bathroom, or over the speakers at Great Clips. It's easy to take music for granted. We like how certain songs make us feel, and if we want to feel that way again, we might possibly look up the song on iTunes, or turn it up the next time it comes on the radio. But most songs just go in one ear and out the other. So it's strange to put so much work into creating a song that will be so easily disposed, or possibly never even heard.

In spite of this, I still believe that music can change a life. And if we hear a certain song at a certain moment, something magical or supernatural occurs. That's what I hope to be a part of-—creating a moment where the person who is just about to give up hope…doesn't. Or the person who feels completely alone…realizes they aren't. To be a part of that, to me, is perhaps the greatest honor I could attain.

That's why I wrote this particular song, "Pilgrim Man" - as you can tell by the lyrics of the chorus: “Don’t give up, though the road may be long and the journey hard. You are not alone, and God will carry you. Hold on, Pilgrim Man, you’re almost home.”

The possibility that somehow, somewhere, someone will be encouraged or inspired to take one more step on their own journey…allows me to keep pushing forward on mine.

Singing For My Life...er, My Vacation

2010-01-31T09:42:00.006-06:00

You know that feeling when you pull away from your house, drive down your street, and then you suddenly remember something you’re going to need real bad? So you turn around and pull back in the garage, dog wondering why you’re back so quickly because she barely had a chance to close her eyes, and then try the whole leaving thing again.

Well, this recently happened to me. But instead of being down the street, I was 30,000 feet in the air, and somewhere over New Mexico. I was on my way to Whistler, British Columbia. A beautiful mountain village about 1½ hour north of Vancouver—in metric that’s about 90 minutes.

But I wasn’t sure if I was even going to be let into the country, because it’s not like I forgot my contact case, or a hairbrush. I had forgotten my passport. Not usually one to panic, I waited until we landed in Las Vegas for a brief layover and then hit the internet to see if I could find out exact details about border crossing. The best information I could find was from the Canadian Border Patrol—sounded credible enough. They said, officially, you don’t need a passport to get into the country, but you do need one to get out. The catch is, you need to prove your U.S. citizenship. All I had was my driver’s license and my Starbucks card. Not quite enough.

We decided to give it a try—surely they’d have some kind of computer system that can look up citizenship, credit score, horoscope sign—it is 2010, for Pete’s sake. Not so fast, Yankee.

While most people simply flash their credentials and drive on through, we had to pull over, park, and go inside to meet with somebody official. I explained the problem, trying to appear willing to work with them on whatever they needed. The officer asked me what I did for a living (singer), and what was the purpose of the trip (fun). And then we waited as they walked away with my driver’s license and my friends’ passports. And waited.

We wondered if they were just watching us to see if we got squirmy. Perhaps I was, but it wasn’t anything a trip to the bathroom couldn’t take care of. We also figured they were wanting to make us feel as inconvenienced as possible, just so this wouldn’t ever happen again.

“Mark Smeby?” the Canadian patrol officer announced across the lobby. Of course, I didn’t hear it, because I was just finishing up in the bathroom. So she waited. As I jogged across the lobby, I thought, “This is just like at a restaurant, where you wait and wait for your food to come. And then you go to the bathroom, and the food comes. Cool.”

The officer asked, “So how much money do you have.” Do Canadians think all Americans are rich? I wondered.
I said, “On me?”
“No, how much money do you have access to.”
Ah, drugs. They’re concerned about me buying drugs. I answered, detailing my bank account contents.
She hemmed and hawed. Did she think I have too much or too little money? Then came the clincher.

“Ok, now sing the National Anthem.”
My mouth dropped open. “For real?” I asked.
“Yes, you said you’re a singer right?” She suddenly turned into Simon Cowell, in a weird nightmarish version of Canadian Idol.

And then I thought about baseball. How one of my dreams has always been to sing the National Anthem at baseball stadiums across the country. If I had to pick one, it would of course be in Minnesota before a Twins game. Joe Mauer would come up to me after and say, “Wow, I’ve never heard anyone sing the National Anthem that good. You wanna be friends?”

Next thought: “Really? My first time ever singing the National Anthem is going to be in this dumpy, DMV-like place, for this few people? And to top it off, Canadian people! Not like I had planned, God. Not like I had planned.” I sensed God chuckle ever so slightly.

I decided that if this was going to be my first time, I was going to sing my heart out—a sort of karmic audition for future sporting events. Could I be as awesome as I had pictured myself being?

Joe Mauer, if you can hear me, here goes.

Picking a note out of the air, I tried to remember the first word. And then the next word. This continued, wondering if the last word I sang would be the last one I remembered. I also kept wondering if I had started too high, cause, you know, this blasted song gets really high at the end. But I kept singing, scared to death. I’ve never sung for my life before, much less my vacation.

It was a bit like downhill skiing, where you start off at the top, knowing you’re going down the dang mountain, but you have no idea exactly where you’re going to go and what you’re going to encounter along the way. The same exhilaration, mixed with the same “I’m gonna crash and burn any second,” was exactly what I was feeling as I sang.

Singing mostly with my eyes closed, due to intense concentration, I would occasionally take a peek to see the reaction around me. The interrogating officer had a smile on her face, and had a friend come stand by her. Other officers came from around corners, also smiling. I’m so happy they were enjoying themselves. Even if this was some kind of sick joke, I was going to make the most of it, and sing at the top of my lungs. I wanted people in Nanaimo to hear me. They probably appreciated my chutzpah. I appreciated them appreciating my chutzpah.

My friends, as well as my new uniformed Canadian friends, met my big finish with great applause. They slid my driver’s license and my friends’ passports across the counter saying, “All Americans know the National Anthem." I smiled back and nodded, though it's not true. "You’re never going to forget your passport again, will you?”

“Absolutely not.” I shook each of their hands, thanking them, just like I would as the players came out of the dugout, as I walked off their field. A strong performance from a rookie on foreign turf. I breathed sighs of relief for the next 30 minutes.

I have to believe there is security camera footage of this whole ordeal floating around somewhere on the Internet. A kind of Border Patrol Candid Camera—something created to pass time on cold snowy nights after the poutine has all run out.

If anyone does find this footage, please send it to Joe Mauer. I’m sure he and (Canadian) Justin Morneau would get a good laugh out of it.

Listening to the Right Voice

2010-01-16T10:18:00.003-06:00

“Don’t forget this one…” The muffled sound of music plays in the background.

“Which one?” I ask, not able to discern a melody. She can’t remember the title, but she will.

My sister, Jody, sings along with the music in the car, “Call me from this boat, I wanna walk on the water.” It’s my song about wanting to escape from the doldrums of life, into something more fantastic. There’s got to be something more, kind of thing.

“Oh yeah, I love that one,” I reply.

Jody and I try to talk on the phone every Friday morning on her way to work, me on my way to a weekly meeting with some guys. It’s our regular time together. And it’s usually therapy for one of us.

“But my favorite is still ‘hold onto me forever, and I’ll hold onto you,’” more singing. That someone would actually like my music enough to consider one a favorite is mind-boggling to me. But I don’t have the average sister.

Throughout most of the Nashville years, she has been a steady source of encouragement to me about my music. She keeps old cassettes I’ve sent to her over the years, and plays them in her car. Or jams along to the tunes in her basement music room. She makes me think there’s actually value to some of my songs, when it seems like no one else in the world cares. I have always believed what my sister said because she was older, which meant wiser.

Besides, she was always the more talented sibling, the leader. I was the follower, the imitator. They say I didn’t even talk until I was three; Jody simply did all the talking for me. I watched her to see what I should do, what I should be. She sang, so I wanted to sing. She was a writer, so I wanted to write. It’s like growing up in a house with a great chef; you kind of automatically have the desire to cook, as well.

When I discovered acting, and then later, singing, I found what I thought was my voice. People would watch and listen to me up front, and then they’d applaud. They appreciated what I did. They liked how I made them feel. Which made me feel valuable and important, even if I was merely reciting someone else’s words. I was the tool for someone else’s message.

I knew that if I really wanted to have a voice, I would have to learn to write, so I could sing my own words, pronouncing my feelings at the top of my lungs, thereby validating them, perhaps by sheer volume.

Little did I know, but a town driven by songwriters would be the absolute best place for me to learn the craft. In Nashville, they say, “It all begins with a song.” Hundreds of people spend hours upon hours digging for gold in tiny writer’s rooms with out-of-tune pianos, keys drenched with spilled coffee.

They say you have to write a lot of crappy songs before you write one really great song. Most people don’t have the tenacity to write a bunch of bad songs, they simply think they are the exception; that perhaps they’ve struck gold with the very first handful of songs they’ve written. That’s been my problem. It’s a kind of like falling in love with the idea of being in love, even though you don’t really like the other person, yet. Not that I have any experience with that.

I have considered many of the songs I wrote early on to be “great,” simply because I was so blown away by the fact that I wrote them. Now I tend to look at those early songs as “not quite finished.” To an undiscerning ear, the song might sound great, but it would never be able to be recorded by another artist for a variety of reasons. Not commercial enough, too personal, too boring, too emotional…I’ve heard it all, trust me.

I had to figure out who I was writing for. I decided it was me.

Yes, it’d be great to write for other people, to have really famous people sing my songs, but even better for me to have a cadre of tunes that provided glimpses into my own story, songs that communicated places of hope, desire, brokenness, determination, devotion, etc. If I could effectively communicate my story, allowing other people to see themselves in my story, bringing them pieces of hope and encouragement, then I believe I’d actually be a success.

There’s a desire deep in my bones for my life to be special. To be amazing. To be a person of impact and influence. But there’s also a feeling, almost as deep, that I’m incredibly inadequate. That I’m average, mediocre, and basically silly. So life becomes a balancing act—attempting to live each day with the weight of both sides pulling on me. Many days it pulls me into lethargy; a dragging, of sorts, into nothingness. My safe place. A place where I justify not doing anything, as a kind of artistic prison.

The way out? For me, it’s gratitude. And listening to my sister’s voice.

I Surrender My Desire To Be Popular

2009-12-12T20:14:00.005-06:00

I packed a sandwich for the trip, but had to stop and get some fries and a diet Coke for accompaniment. It’s better that way. It’s only a three-hour tour from Nashvegas to Louisville, just long enough to make a couple phone calls and get through three CDs. Haven’t heard Breathe’s “Hands To Heaven” for a while, so I enjoyed that. Would love to cover that, as well as “Somewhere Out There,” perhaps with Natalie Grant playing the Linda Ronstadt part, for the forthcoming Pilgrim Man CD.

Last time I pulled into Dover Chapel, the town was covered with ice. This is the church used in “The Perfect Gift,” you know, the one that put up the Nativity scene that I had ordered taken down? I was wondering if the real-life church would have an actual Nativity scene set-up, with maybe a sign declaring, “As seen in the feature film THE PERFECT GIFT” for those who drove by. No such luck.

I’ll be doing a concert in their morning service tomorrow, and then singing “Emmanuel” prior to a screening of the film in the evening. I couldn’t be more thrilled to be here, and get to share some of my tunes with these amazingly kind people.

I’m listening to a station that just might play my Christmas song, "Emmanuel (You Are With Me)". Honestly, it’s a weird feeling thinking your song might come on, and then realizing it probably won’t. And trying not to be resentful of the others who do get their songs played on the radio. The more effort that is made to get my song played on Christian radio, or to get some press coverage for the movie – and the more walls we hit – people saying no, or just not saying anything at all - the more challenging it is for me not to get frustrated. It’s easier to not go after something, and simply live in the fantasy of what might happen. But putting yourself out there for people to say “this is of value to us” or not…is a crazy way to live.

I’m reminded that I can’t let any of my self-esteem or identity be found in who likes me and who doesn’t. Which is fine, because Joe Radio Programmer isn’t rejecting me, per se—he just doesn’t think he can hold/increase listeners by playing a completely unfamiliar song from a completely unknown artist. Makes sense to me! What’s really even more amazing is when someone DOES take a chance by playing my tune! I’m blown away there are stations playing my song—that those programmers are taking a chance with an unknown song and artist.

Ultimately, I know my song has already been, and will continue to be encouraging to some people. I already know that for a fact. To think that the impact of my song should be THIS big…or this big…is selfish, and oddly enough, me trying to tell God how useful I want to be.

Here’s my simple Christmas prayer: God, I trust you are using my song just as You’d like. I’m thankful to have played a small part in bringing hope to someone who may be hurting this Christmas. But hope doesn’t come from Mark Smeby. It can only come from You. I surrender my desire to have my song be really popular. Even though I desire to have this curious moment create more opportunities for me, I can trust You are the provider of all my future opportunities, and not the radio chart. Thanks for reminding me you are in control of your world and your work. It’s better that way.

Movies, Music, Radio... To the Moon, Alice!!!

2009-10-09T15:45:00.003-05:00

I thought it was time for an update. There's been so much going on lately, it's hard enough for me to keep track of it all. More than anything, I want to say a giant THANKS for the support and encouragement from you all!

CLANCY - this awesome faith-based family movie is being released around the country via DVD on Oct. 20. It's a great adventure-driven relationship story with powerful themes of forgiveness, faith, sacrifice, and redemption. Oh, and it features my song "Precious Memories" - available now on iTunes, or watch the music video on YouTube. You can also hear the whole soundtrack for Clancy on iTunes, as well.

THE PERFECT GIFT - my motion picture acting debut! Releases on DVD Nov. 3rd, with a limited (teeny-tiny) handful of theaters showing it, as well. A few TV networks will be showing it, too (details TBA). A heartwarming Christmas film that will be around for many years to come, The Perfect Gift explores the Culture vs. Christmas war that always seems to strike up around the holidays. I play the leader of a local ACLU-type group who tells a local church they have to tear down the Nativity scene they've put up in their front yard. Yes, I'm the bad guy. But I play him with such charm and passion, I'm certain you'll love hating me. The Perfect Gift also features my tune, "Emmanuel (You Are With Me)" - more below on this one. Again, this is a Kelly's Filmworks production - my friends Jefferson and Kelly up in Louisville are amazing and really appear to want to help the people around them succeed more than themselves. I'm thankful to be around them and the beneficiary of much of their generosity and love.

EMMANUEL (YOU ARE WITH ME) - Kelly's Filmworks has agreed to hire radio promoter Mark Giles to work my tune to 1200 radio stations around the country for this upcoming Christmas season. I'm blown away by this!! This could be a huge thing for me, or it could be a small thing. It's impossible to know exactly what is going to happen. My hope is that people will love the song, and especially find encouragement in the message. I wanted to write a song that acknowledged how Christmas isn't always the happiest time of the year. For some people who are alone or hurting, it's a very painful time. This song goes there - and then invites God to come into that place. I'm also blown away by my co-writer and producer Tim Brown who has gone above and beyond with his work on this tune, as well as shooting the music video for the song. Just this week, we added live drums, more guitars, and will (unbelievably!) be adding a full orchestra to the track next week! WOW!

I'm convinced that success happens when God places people around you who have a greater vision for your possibilities than you do. For anything to happen in this Industry you have to have champions-people who believe in you more than you do yourself, and then actually work to help you succeed. I'm so thankful for so many people like this in my life.

I've also recently had really interesting acting auditions for parts in a new Disney film called Secretariat, a Robert Redford film about the Abraham Lincoln assassination trial, as well as a FOX TV show called Past Lives. I haven't gotten any of these, but I've had a blast at least getting to put my name in the hat. Honestly, in spite of all the hundreds and hundreds of opportunities I been rejected for, I'm still surprised at how it stinks so much - especially when it seems like it'd be a really good gig. Still, I have to trust there's a greater plan at work, or else I'll go even more bonkers.

More to come....

Major Turning Point For Me

2009-09-08T20:30:00.004-05:00

It's been an amazing year already. I still am walking about 4 inches off the ground at all times. So what's been going on? I'm just home from an amazing trip up to Minnesota. I saw Coleen and Tim get married (Awesome). I saw the Twins lose (Not so awesome) - but it was still one of their last games in the Homerdome (Can't wait for the new open air stadium next year - anyone know anybody that can help me get on the National Anthem docket sometime?).

Had an amazing concert experience at Rochester Covenant Church - the people were so overwhelmingly loving (special thanks to Pat & Ray!). Also had a very special time at the Bleeker's house doing an extremely intimate concert in their living room for a great group of people. My singing was fueled by some unbelievable ribs and fixins eaten on the back patio on a terrific MN summer evening.

Honestly, this trip was a major turning point for me. I'll try to explain it.

The concerts, in particular, were very life-giving and encouraging. But in a different way. Not like, "Oh Mark, you're so good." It was deeper for me. It was like God was involved so intrinsically in the whole thing. Like when you cook a really great meal and share it with a friend. It's not about your cooking skills, or even the individual pieces of food on the plate. It's about time shared together with a friend, enjoying each other's journeys and thanking God for all the blessings of life. Doing these concerts was like a great meal. It was less about me than I ever had dreamed it would be. I guess I always looked at being on stage as something that would complete me-something that would define me, and hopefully fill-up that big hole I think is in my life.

Call it the gift of age, or a gift of grace, I dunno. But I felt like I was a part of something bigger than any of my efforts could have drummed up. Which doesn't exactly make sense, since I wrote the songs, practiced them, blah, blah, blah... I can only say: God showed up. And He won. And I was thrilled to have it not be about me. And that is a beautiful surprise to this usually insecure artist.

So how did it happen? First off: I'm deeply loved. 1) By God, 2) By my amazing family, and 3) By a handful of friends -- who are all determined to not let my performing define me. Then I worked hard to be able to sing my butt off, and more importantly, I tried to communicate honestly and effectively my personal faith journey. As an artist, my job is to express thoughts and feelings other people have, but haven't yet been able to put words on. Through telling my story, other people are able to understand their own story better, and then hopefully be able to tell it to others.

If sharing my story of finding hope and being loved, even along this rocky road of life, allows others to know that Love as well, then my efforts are officially a success.

My 2nd Music Video....Seriously?

2009-06-30T15:10:00.004-05:00

If you would've told me a year ago that I'd get to have a music video shot of one of the most favorite songs I've ever written, I would've said you're crazy. Ok. So that dream came true. Read about it here. But if you would've told me that within a year I'd get to shoot a second music video for another of my tunes, oh and by the way, both tunes would be used in really cool ways in a couple different movies, I'd probably bet money against that happening. Well let's just say: don't ever sell God too short. The dreams he has for you are actually bigger than the ones you have for yourself.

With that being said, it's been an amazing year. And I wanted you to get a chance to see my brand new music video. Last fall I decided I wanted to write a Christmas song. But I didn't want just another normal holiday "isn't everything so great" kind of tune. I know the holidays are one of the most difficult times of year for many people. So I sat down and wrote: "Just another lonely holiday, never thought it would turn out this way." Cheery, right? Then I decided to turn it into a prayer: "Come into my silence and bring me peace. Come into my darkness and be my light. Come into what's broken and make it whole again." Then my friend, the amazingly talented Tim Brown, put some great music and production to the words. A little while later he offered, "Hey, wanna shoot a music video?" After a little Photoshop for the wedding picture, a hot summer day, and a dozen tolerant neighbors later, we had a video.

The tune is also going to be used in the holiday movie "The Perfect Gift" - yes, the same one I'm making my motion picture acting debut in. I feel very blessed. And a bit freaked out all at the same time.

Wanna see it? Hope you like it. And more importantly, I hope it will be encouraging to people who don't have much to smile about at Christmas.

I believe in fighting against my apathy.

2009-03-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

I believe in fighting against my apathy. This is, or should be, a life of choices.

I am essentially a very ambitious person. I'm a creative dreamer. I moved to Nashville in 1993 to go after my dreams of doing music just like some of my heroes. It's been an amazing journey. I find myself wearing the different hats of singer/songwriter, author/journalist, and am even acting in my first film. But being the freelance, or self-unemployed, kind of person I am, I have so many options of ways to spend my time. Heck, I've got a stack of really amazing creative projects I could be working on right now.

But I've been down this road before. I've mustered up my energy and written pages and pages of books...that have gone unread by thousands and thousands of people. I've written and recorded songs that have been heard only by my family and a handful of friends. When I think of all I've created and worked toward, without achieving what feels like any tangible results, or getting any place I thought I’d be, it's often impossible not to throw my hands up and say, "What's the use of even trying?" It's a subtle, but completely paralyzing, one-two punch of apathy.

Apathy is a lack of interest, concern, or emotion. It's a flat-lined, comatose-like state of living that feels like nothing. Literally nothing. It's the muse-less artist. You know, the washed up old guy who drinks too much, and gawks a bit too long at the younger, good-looking hipsters. I pray I don't turn into that kind of person.

But if I were completely honest, I've made good friends with apathy. Oh, yes. It's an odd place of comfort. If I don't try to achieve anything, then I can't be hurt by being ignored or rejected. There's a comfort in nothingness, almost a sense of my being able to control my own destiny. When I can't choose success, I can at least choose apathy.. At least then I am in control, I am choosing.

Thankfully, I can only stay there so long, before I get stir crazy. The gift of maturity is learning how to engage my psyche in positive, healthy ways, rather than settling for what's easy or unhealthy. If I'm hungry, sometimes the shiny allure of the Golden Arches can actually be appealing. Unless I remember the gut ache I got after my last visit. Or how much better I'd feel if I'd eat something healthier. I've tried shame and addiction, and they never really worked very well for me. Apathy is easier, but no more satisfying.

I've found the best ways to fight my apathy are: Walking in honesty with my friends--relying on their encouragement and strength when I have none, exercising regularly and eating right, trying to do the most simple next-right-thing, and most importantly, allowing myself the same kind of grace and patience I would extend to someone else in my shoes. It's a quiet, one step at a time, kind of battle against apathy. One I will continue to choose to fight.

Because ultimately, I really like me, and the things I create. I think I bring value to other people's lives. I believe my creative efforts will ultimately help wake up other people who have fallen asleep to their own lives. That's why I believe it’s so important for me to fight against my own apathy.

I don't want to be silly, per Oprah

2009-03-05T17:55:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about Oprah a lot this week. My sister taught me a good lesson that Oprah taught her. She said: Success is When Preparation Meets Opportunity. I can't help but think this "Clancy" movie has already been an amazing opportunity, but with people actually having the chance to go see it, the opportunity gains more and more value. I hope a ton of people go out to see it this weekend, and that they are inspired and encouraged—and that they cry when they hear my song "Precious Memories." So, I've been trying to get prepared. But how in the world do you prepare for something like this?

There have been a couple of options for me this week: 1) Dismiss it as really nothing. I'm blowing things out of proportion by even getting excited about the what-might-happens, 2) Work hard on preparing my website and music just in case all the stars line up and there's suddenly interest in my tune.

It's so easy to pick #1—I'm very familiar with this one. Why work hard at something so hard, knowing the chances are extremely slim that anything out of the ordinary will ever happen? It's so much easier to act like I don't care. But in truth, I care a ton about what happens with my career. Heck, I've worked a lot of years, and swam through a lot of murky waters, trying to locate amazing opportunities—like getting an original song placed in PRIME location in a film shown in theaters around the country.

Even writing this, I'm tempted to think I'm just being stupid. "Don't get your hopes up. You'll only be disappointed," the voices say. But I'm convinced there's a huge difference between having false expectations of great things happening and being fully prepared for those great things that could possibly happen.

I'd hate to be the person that wasn't ready, just because he thought he was being silly.

P.S. Check out: www.PreciousMemoriesTribute.com

Movie-Making Weekend 2 - A Big Success!

2009-02-25T15:07:00.005-06:00

This past weekend I got to go back to Louisville for another day of shooting on "The Perfect Gift." I had such an amazing time, even though the day was long and laborious. We were basically shooting about seven pages of one scene throughout the entire day. And of course, the whole thing was shot backwards, so there was no rhyme or reason to much of it.

I got there about 9:30 Saturday morning, after experiencing a delicious omelet at the Embassy Suites. I had brought most of my closet with me, so the director Jefferson would have his pick of what I would be wearing. After getting dressed, I got to sit down in the hair chair. I don't really know what she did there, but she sprayed some stuff and combed something. Then I got to sit with the wonderful Cassie in the makeup chair. She's so amazing—so calming, so loving, and encouraging. Everything a nervous actor needs.

While in the chair, I could look out the window and see a huge group of people moving across the parking lot. I said, "Hmm...look at all those people! I wonder what they're doing?" Cassie said, "Those are the extras for the shoot today." That immediately jazzed me up. I've been an extra on so many shoots. I know how miserable it can be. How thankless. And how much you feel like a dumb sheep being herded around and generally treated like crap. And how it feels to look up and see the "important" people getting to do the real acting...and wonder if I'd ever get that chance.

My first motion picture extra work was in the early 90s, in the not-yet-classic film "Drop Dead Fred" starring Phoebe Cates, a guy who was on "ER" (Ron Eldred, I think) and another guy who was in the British sitcom, "The Young Ones." I got to be in a giant food fight scene that took place in a swanky downtown Minneapolis restaurant. I was in prime position. When the camera was on Phoebe eating dinner, I was directly behind her. You could totally see the back of my head. It was awesome. My big break, I was certain. I discovered if I "reacted" a bit to the commotion, and turned my head, you would probably see my actual face. I did a lot of sideways glances that day. Can you imagine how thrilled I was when the director actually came over to my table. I leaned toward him. He graciously whispered in my ear, "Don't turn around so much." There goes my Oscar. (Though the side of my head did make it onto the back of the DVD box. Score!)

This past weekend was surreal in so many ways. I wasn't an extra. I actually had a very sizeable role in this scene. I play the antagonist in the film, and this was my big day to present my case to the City Council. I pretended to be Harry Hamlin in "L.A. Law"—but don't tell anybody I told you that. We shot the crowd scenes first, a lot of "over my shoulder" looking at the crowd kind of stuff. Then at the end of the day, we did my medium and close-up shots. For those shots, the extras were gone, and I acted to a few crew people, and in my head, my high school drama teacher Mr. Fortney, who let me be the only guy he didn't cast in "Pippin," my senior year musical. More on that later.

During the shoot, I also realized the value of kindness, and how incredibly easy it can be to show some. I pictured myself as an extra, hoping that Phoebe Cates would even just make eye contact with me—to acknowledge my existence as a fellow actor, much less a fellow person. So Smeby decided to not be Phoebe. I had some awesome conversations with some of the fellow actor/people working that day. I was honored to hear about Steve's son, Nils' desire to act, and Evan's passion for writing and teaching. I was also thrilled to mostly remember all my lines.

Overall, I was blown away by the attitude on the set. It was an attitude of encouragement—people would actually clap for each other between takes. Jefferson was an amazing director/writer/actor—continually being gracious to everyone, especially as he'd explain the process of filmmaking to those who were on their first set.

I left feeling on top of the world. There had been a terrible snow and ice storm while we were shooting inside the City Hall, but I managed to lug all my clothes back into my trunk, scrape off my car, and once back in my hotel room, celebrate an amazing day with some delicious mint chocolate chip ice cream. This joy, this gratitude, this blown-awayness—of having received an opportunity I've only dreamed of—feels like incredible success.

There is nothing sexy about movie-making.

2009-02-03T17:12:00.011-06:00

Seriously. Unless you've actually been on a set you have no clue how mundane and boring, as well as intense and intimidating, it can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's actually a dream come true to be in a movie, with actual cameras, lights, make-up, and catering. I'm thrilled to have been cast in a really charming Christmas film called "The Perfect Gift" filming up in Louisville over the next few months. I've got the best part in the whole movie. I play the guy who's actually trying to steal Christmas from a local church. The big scene we shot on Saturday was me going in to tell the Pastor they have to take down the Nativity Scene they put up in front of their church. Yep, I'm that guy.

Okay, so the strange part about the weekend was that in the middle of my dream-come-true experience being in a movie, there was a ton of really freaky stuff happening. Stuff that kept happening that (as I like to say) was trying to steal my joy. And I was committed to not letting that happen, cause, heck, I was in a movie!

I can't tell you everything that happened because some of it was actually very personal and had me in tears. But I can tell you about waking up in my hotel room Saturday morning and finding out there was no water in the whole area. I was filming a movie and I couldn't take a dang shower! How crazy is that? If you haven't watched the news at all, you probably aren't aware of the massive ice storm that paralyzed much of Kentucky. Louisville was hit hard. It looked like an incredibly powerful tornado went through the town, followed by Mr. Freeze (from Batman) covering everything with a thick layer of ice. Power was out all over the place, and many people didn't even have cell phone service. It felt a bit like being in a Third World country, all the while it was 60 degrees in Nashville, just three hours south. But as a result of not having water, I got to meet Steve Scarborough and his family. Deacon Steve lived across the street from the church where we were filming, and volunteered his shower for my use. His house was turned into a refuge for his extended family members to sleep, eat, do laundry or shower. Steve's wife was cooking a huge breakfast that morning, and I noticed a giant turkey in the oven. Their amazing gift of hospitality, revealed by the tragedy of storm, blessed me.

Hundreds of guys from power companies around the region pulled their repair trucks into my hotel parking lot (and others nearby) to help out the struggling crews in Kentucky. Even though I'm sure they had to leave the comfort of home and their families behind, I love how this horrible storm revealed the selflessness of these guys—showing how we can help each other out when others are in trouble and we have the resources.

I stopped to get gas just outside of Bowling Green. I started to wash my windshield with the squeegee thingy, and quickly noticed something smearing on the glass. I first thought it was bird poop. But it wouldn't come off. It actually got worse the more I tried to wipe it off. The young kid emptying the garbage tried his best to help me, first using Coke to get it off, then trying a razor blade. Nothing worked. But he did figure out it was actually engine oil on my windshield. Bummer. He pointed me to a hardware store down the street in Smith's Grove where I met a really great man (David Manning) who generously gave his time to try and help me with several different kinds of cleaning sprays. This was the typical small town hardware store, overcrowded and friendly, with free popcorn by the backdoor. I'm thankful I got to experience David's compassion, revealed by the ickiness of the oil on my windshield.

Yes, I was in a movie this past weekend, and I have a couple more days of shooting ahead. I'm blown away by that. Still, I'm more blown away by the effortless way circumstances attempt to try and determine my mood. But if I have my sights set on joy and gratitude, then challenges I meet merely become opportunities to experience nuanced revelations of unexpected beauty.

Something's Cooking in '09

2009-01-24T11:13:00.002-06:00

You know how when you walk into someone's home and they've been cooking something like a pie, or cookies, or bread? There's an amazing rush of blood to my nose, and my olfactory glands start cheering like they're at a Jonas Brothers concert. My heart starts pounding a little faster. Something good is coming my way, my stomach screams. And if the chef is someone who loves me, like say, my mother, the chances are that the special something I'm smelling has been prepared with me and my joy in mind. This is how I'm feeling about 2009. I can't quite tell what's in the oven, but it sure smells good. Mmmmm...

Honestly, it smells like hope. And for me, that hope is based in the belief that God has my life completely under control and He's working behind-the-scenes to bring about situations and opportunities that are specifically for my joy and ultimately, for His glory. That's cool. It has already been happening. Actually most everyday it happens for me. Whether it's some great time with a friend, an unexpected email, or an encouraging word from someone who didn't have to deliver it.

There are, as well, some exciting things going on professionally that jazz me up. I'm going to be in a movie! We begin shooting my part up in Louisville next weekend in a really great Christmas film called "The Perfect Gift." I get to play the antagonist in the story. They are also possibly going to be using my "Emmanuel" song in the flick. Combine this with the release of "Clancy" in the next couple of months, and my "Precious Memories" song and video...and I'm nearly blown away. I've also had a couple cool auditions lately: one to host a documentary about the Battle of Johnsonville, and another to act in a vampire comedy film. Ah, the dichotomy! I've also had several really great meetings about my music with some brilliant people that I'd only dreamed of talking to. And I continue to have really beautiful times leading worship at my church, as well as strangely significant times tending bar at the Hilton. Ah, the dichotomy!

Sometimes I wonder, am I just looking for these moments of joy, and so I, in effect, "bring them into existence"? Or is there really something going on here that is being orchestrated beyond my understanding. I can't answer that. Except that when my mom cooks something I love, I know it's because she cares about me deeply and wants to make me very happy. And right now, I'm feeling very loved by all that's happening.

Something smells really good. And I can't wait to see what's cooking.

Highlights of 2008 From A Pop Music Snob

2009-01-08T12:01:00.000-06:00

Phew! Glad 2008 is over! We had some great musical moments, but I'm certainly ready for all the joyous popitude the New Year promises to hold. I love making this list, if for no other reason than to be able to look back over previous year's lists and remember what I loved. So here's my fancy list of favorite music stuff from 2008.

MOST FAVORITE CDS: Kanye West - 808s & Heartbreak, Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things, Tammi Rhoton - For the Weary and Broken.

REALLY GREAT: Adele - 19, Downhere - Ending is Beginning, Marc Broussard - Keep Coming Back, Brandon Heath - What If We, Alanis Morissette - Flavors of Entanglement, James Morrison - Songs For You, Truth For Me.

ALSO LOVE: Francesca Battistelli - My Paper Heart, Coldplay - Viva la Vida, Keane- Perfect Symmetry, Lady Gaga - The Fame, Leeland - Opposite Way, Roisin Murphy - Overpowered, Jon McLaughlin - OK Now, Michael W. Smith - A New Hallelujah.

BEST SINGLES: "American Boy" - Estelle w/Kanye West, "Broken" - Lifehouse (no better song about the life of faith than this), "Closer" - Ne-Yo, "Single Ladies" - Beyonce, "Forever" - Chris Brown, "Let It Rock" - Kevin Rudolf, "Love Lockdown" - Kanye West, "Four Minutes to Save the World" - Madonna & Justin, "No Air" - Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks, "Mercy" - Duffy, "Viva La Vida" - Coldplay, "Low" - Flo Rida w/T-Pain.

CLOSE CALLS: "Love Remains the Same" - Gavin Rossdale, "Shadowfeet" - Brooke Fraser (she's amazing!), "Love Is Here" - Tenth Avenue North, "Better" - Tom Baxter (best love song), "Dream Catch Me" - Newton Faulkner, "Pocketful of Sunshine" - Natasha Bedingfield (feel good song of the year), "Give Me Your Eyes" - Brandon Heath (probably GMA's song of the year), "Here I Am" - Downhere, "Fascination" - Alphabeat, "Just Dance" - Lady Gaga, "Disturbia" - Rihanna.

Paddling Upstream To Catch the Big One

2008-12-09T20:51:00.003-06:00

It started off beautiful. The sun was shining and the temperature was unseasonably warm for December. It was Tuesday, which meant Scott and I would try to get together for coffee, like we have been doing for probably 11 years. We talk about our favorite TV shows, sporting teams, music, and recent travels. It kind of feels like we're those old guys that sit around the coffee shop and talk about not much. It's comforting and stable, in the midst of these very disposable days. As we talked, the clouds starting gathering about, and increasing their darkness.

I ventured a thought-provoking question in Scott's direction, one of my most favorite things to do over coffee. "So what do you hope happens in 2009? What are you wishing for?" Before he even answered, I was both hoping he'd ask me, and then just as quickly, realized I actually didn't want him to ask me. So I listened. It all seemed pretty reasonable. Meaning, quite doable.

Then he asked me. "So, what about you?"

I sat silent for a second. I started to feel a little sick in my stomach. All these things I'm wishing and hoping and praying for flashed through my mind like it was 1993, 1994, and every year since. I said a couple things out loud, a couple of things that seemed reasonable. But I was stunned by the frustration I started to feel. I've been wishing for the same things for so long. Other people have been waiting and hoping for me, as well. I can only imagine they're getting worn out, like me, wishing for my success, frustrated by the lack of something breakthrough-ish happening in my professional life.

It started to rain on my drive home. And I felt the clouds in my spirit turning very dark. "Am I so crazy that I can't give up on my dreams? Am I that guy? Or am I setting the world record for persistence! Am I committed and loyal, and fiercely driven by my calling? Or am I just hitting my head against the same worn out wall, hoping that it will stop hurting?" The questions make me want to eat ice cream.

Anyone who knows me would probably say they admire my talents, but probably moreso, my determination. They smile and helplessly cheer me on, hoping I'm steering my boat in the right direction. "Boy, that guy sure can paddle!" they say under their breath. And the whole time I'm just wishing they'd give me a clue where to steer the dang thing, cause most of the time I feel like I'm trying to travel upstream to catch a fish that doesn't really exist.

There was a break in my inner storm for a brief time tonight. I got to hear one of my favorite bands play. It was my first time hearing them live, and I couldn't believe how great they sounded in a crappy room, with the rain pounding down on the roof outside. I haven't loved hearing music this much in a long time. I guess the music part of my heart was a bit dry.

I got to talk to their awesome singer, Marc, afterwards. They made one of my most favorite albums of the year. Really quite a stunning, prolific, musical project. Still, the kind of big-time commercial success they deserve seems to elude them. I wanted to find out how they dealt with that. Where they see God fitting into the mix between significance and success. He scratched his head, and admitted to me that he struggles with that very question continually.

A cool breeze swept through the room. Ahhh...I'm not alone! It's not about recording a CD, it's not about touring, or getting a song on the radio. Those achievement haven't taken away his frustration. So I have to stop thinking those things would take away my own frustration.

I took a breath. "Maybe the answer is found in realizing that someone, take me for example, thinks what you do is awesome, and extremely significant," I offered. "And that our crazy thinking takes over when we think it needs to be a whole bunch more people, rather than the people whose lives we are given the opportunity to be impacting."

He nodded in agreement. I couldn't stop talking. "You know what you're doing is significant." Yes, he agreed. "And I know what I do is significant. Maybe that's all we're supposed to be able to see."

Me and Marc shared a great moment, that for me, was more significant than I could've hoped to had experienced. Yes, cool to hear them play live, and to talk afterward. But even better to get a break from hitting my head on the wall.

By the end of the day, it was pouring. And I was very cold and wet. But somehow I felt less crazy than I did at the beginning of my day.

What Makes Christmas Great?

2008-12-07T21:11:00.001-06:00

Living The Dream

2008-11-15T20:05:00.002-06:00

Last night a guy asked me how long I've been in Nashville. I told him fifteen years.
"Chasing the dream?" he mildly snickered.
"Living the dream," I announced.
He didn't know how to respond, blurting out some kind of inquisitive affirmation like, "Whoa!? Really?!
"Yep, sure am." My mind flashed back through all the years of desperate longing, waiting to be living my actual dream."

I saw moments that looked exactly like my dream -- me doing the amazing things I always wanted to do. And, in the same brilliant flash, I also saw the many times I felt so angry at God for giving up on me and my dreams. The camera pulls back to show the whole scenery. I'm revealed to myself at least. I've been living on a strange roller-coaster of unrequited desire and exuberant fulfillment. And wondering why the middle ground feels so empty.

How many people do you know who are actually "living the dream"? The phrase "chasing the dream" makes me think about the greyhounds on the racetrack, chasing after the fake bunny on a stick that always runs faster than the dogs can. Is my dream running faster than am I? Is it something to catch, to capture and devour, as those dogs might be thinking they'd do if ever they caught the dang thing?

I believe I moved to Nashville propelled by a dream -- something out there, something beyond where I was living. It was a desire to make something out of my life. I didn't want to just settle for being, for just living. I wanted to strive and reach for what I was optimistically certain was out there. And honestly, it boils down to this: I desired to have a life of influence. And to have that, I thought I needed to have some sort of platform, some kind of audience who would allow themselves to be influenced by my remarkableness. My amazingness. My influencity (that sounds too much like influenza!).

Fortunately, in retrospect, I can see that I had missed the mark. I thought: PLATFORM=INFLUENCE=SIGNIFICANCE. That isn't completely wrong. It's just that I thought PLATFORM would look like a big stage somewhere with a lot of people paying to come see me sing -- that's when I'd truly be significant. So I kept trying, and waiting, and hoping, and praying, and crying, and screaming, and wondering when I'd ever get that dang platform I thought I needed in order to live the life I was supposed to be living.

Then I woke up. And realized I had a platform.

It's called My Life.

It was like I had been sleeping for a crazy long time and finally woke up. Rip Van Smebywinkle. More accurately, I had been so distracted by my longing for my platform to look like someone else's...you know, someone superfamous...that I couldn't see how my platform was actually supposed to be my own -- incredibly unique, designed specifically for me and my gifts and abilities -- and I had been standing in the middle of it for quite a while. I woke up and found myself on the platform of my dreams.

I'm a little embarrassed writing all this, because I think I sound so stupid and immature. But it's been such a profound awakening for me, I can't help but think talking about this might help some other distracted, sleeping person wake up and see the incredible place they are in right now.

I am living the dream. I have been for quite a while. And I almost slept right through it.

My First Music Video - "Precious Memories"

2008-10-09T16:21:00.003-05:00

Shooting the music video for "Precious Memories" was one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. I've seen so many music videos in my lifetime (at least since the early 80s), and always wondered what it would be like to get to make a video of my own. It's funny, how when something is your creation, it's easy to discount it as not being good enough, or subpar. Some of those thoughts are justified by a lack of budget, of course. But truthfully, when most people make their music videos there's no way of knowing for certain whether anyone will actually see it, much less like it.

The first thing we did after they made me up to look like an actual person who would do a music video, was shoot the clips of me singing while leaning against the big outside wall frame, wearing the black jacket. It was super hot—I was sweating big time. We used a tiny boombox to play my song so I had something to sing-along with. There was a smattering of people standing around watching, probably less then ten people, but more than five. Enough to make me feel nervous. Nervous? Not nervous...more dorky. I felt a bit dorky. No, I was actually afraid of looking dorky. I've never done this before, so I didn't know exactly how to be the cool guy in the video. So I just sang. The best part for me was when I finished singing the first pass, the song ended, and the director yelled "Cut!", and then all the people started cheering! It was just what I needed. To me, their cheers said, "We don't think you're dorky!!" I was probably overly paranoid.

I'm grateful my friend Marc Acton was there to be my objective eyes. He told me not to make the "poopy face" when I was singing. That would definitely be dorky. He also encouraged me, and stood by me when everyone else seemed so busy making their music video. It can feel very strange singing into a camera, trying to express something very personal, while there's so many people standing around working, or others who are just watching you try to do it, wondering if they're supposed to know who you are.

So after all the thousands of music videos that have influenced my life through the years, from artists like Michael Jackson to Ray Boltz...here's mine. My very first music video. I'm so thrilled with how it turned out. I'm grateful to Jefferson (the mean guy at the beginning) who wrote, directed and starred in this movie. He was the guy who liked my song enough to use it in his film. And then for him to invest in (and put up with me through all the edits) doing this video is priceless to me. It was so great to hang out with the rest of the crew and the actors from the cast who came to help out as well, especially the lovely Miss Christina. Thank you to all of them! And to you, please tell all your friends about "Clancy" — Let's make it a huge hit when it is released!

Video of Me Singing "Hero" At Ken Parker Tribute

2008-09-13T11:45:00.003-05:00

Here's a clip from an amazing experience I had up in Minneapolis back in April. It was a tribute event to my former music pastor, the amazing Ken Parker. He wrote this song for a Christmas musical "Child of Love" back in the early 90s, and entrusted me with it to sing it on the record we made, and during a few live performances we did of the whole musical.

I decided to rearrange the 1st verse and chorus, probably because of what I saw the kids do to songs on American Idol. I loved how the ballad-ness allowed me to really honor the lyrics he wrote and bring new life to the song. I was scared to death while I was singing, yet I was having a blast. I was so thrilled to be there and was on the verge of tears most of the time. Ken Parker really believed in me, which gave me permission then, to believe in myself and begin dreaming bigger than what I thought was possible. Thanks Ken!!

Hearing My Song On the Big Screen

2008-09-02T08:05:00.012-05:00

There was something so unreal and fantastical about my "Clancy" weekend up in Louisville that I haven't been able to put my finger on, and honestly, kind of don't even want to try. Have you ever been to Disneyworld? It's kind of like that. You come home and people say, "How was the trip?" And you say, "Man, I had a lot of fun." And then people walk away, or start talking about themselves, and you're left standing there, holding the particular moments that were especially magical, feeling like you'll never be able to share them with anyone. That describes the feeling that I've frequently had after being blessed with several different spectacular experiences, including my "Clancy" weekend.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining—I'm simply attempting to express the weirdness of the roller-coaster life I've chosen to ride. I remember coming home after my first run on a tour bus with Semi-Big Nashville Artist. I had just had an intense four days trying to sleep in a jostling, coffin-like bunk, waking up in different places in different states that each looked exactly the same. I met a ton of people and liked only some of them. I was treated like I was something special, and I was also treated like I wasn't anything special at all. People back home were excited for the opportunity they knew I was getting, but had no idea, like me, what I was actually getting into. It turned into something that was more challenging than I had expected, and more rewarding than I could've dreamed.

But going back to my Disneyworld example, people just want to know you had a good time. It takes a very special person to care about the nuances of your trip, whether it's to Orlando, Paris, or Peoria. More about life on the road later.

Last Saturday I drove toward Louisville and stopped at Ft. Knox to meet my good friend Marc who's doing some work there as a pilot of Apache helicopters. I know, serious stuff. I'm so thankful he was able to accompany through the 24 hours that would follow. Kelly's Filmworks held a little reception for the "Clancy" cast and crew just prior to the screening, serving little desserty things and soft drinks. After that, we were seated in a special reserved area in the middle rows of the packed theater. I got to sit next to Marc, Stephanie Vickers (a Nashville actress playing Clancy's mother) and her real-life mother.

I was excited to see the film, but more excited to see what it would feel like to hear me and my song come through the speakers in a dark theater filled with people. I knew the song would appear in a scene in a hospital, so when I saw the story moving in that direction I started to get a bit nervous. I sank a little lower in my seat and clasped my hands together. I probably looked like I was praying. I just wanted to cover my face in case something weird started happening with it. Would I cry? Would I smile? Laugh? Drool? I didn't know—I had never been there before. When the swirling synth pad of my song's intro started, I sank a couple inches lower yet. I suddenly felt my pulse start intensifying, as if someone was ringing out my spine like a wet washcloth. My head was pulsating.

Now I'm listening to my song. I'm singing. This is so crazy. Other people are listening as well. But they're not thinking about me, they're thinking about the emotions of the lyrics and the feeling in the melody. I can't believe how the lyrics fit the storyline so perfectly. I sound like a real singer. The song sounds like it's supposed to be there. I can't believe it. Stop thinking so much. What a trip.

The song ends after about 80 seconds, and the dialogue starts up again. I can breathe again. Marc elbows me and says something like, "That was awesome!" I try to breathe. Stephanie leans over her mom and touches my arm, mumbling something encouraging. I mumble something back, mostly paralyzed still. The movie keeps rolling. I feel like standing up and cheering. I better not. I imagine people sitting behind me pointing their finger at my back, saying, "He's the singer. That's him! Right there!"

I heard the song might be used again, so as the ending approaches, I start to get nervous/excited again. Here's the final shot. The crane slowly lifts the camera away from the scene, zooming out to reveal the landscape just as the second verse of my song starts up. It's obviously the end of the film. People are sniffling. I'm singing. The first lines of credits start rolling and the crowd starts clapping. I can't hear my song. More clapping. They keep clapping. That's great. I tell myself, It's okay. They'll hear it on the DVD. It's okay. More clapping.

After the screening, there's a nice Q&A with some of the cast and crew. The little girl who played Clancy gets a huge reception, like she's the new Anna Paquin or something. The screening concludes with a showing of the alternate ending, one that wouldn't have used my song again. I'm thankful for the actual ending and my encore.

The room is buzzing as people get up and make their way out of the theater. I got to have a couple cool conversations, one with the guy who scored the film, and another with an actor who reminded me of Nathan Lane. Me, Marc, Stephanie and her mom, Jolene, decide to hit the town and celebrate. After being hit so powerfully by the whole screening experience, it was nice to hit something back.

In my next blog, I'm going to write about the day that followed. The day we shot the music video for "Precious Memories" and how I felt like I was simply pretending to be the person I had always dreamed I'd be.

Video Shoot In Louisville

2008-08-26T15:20:00.004-05:00

Click on the picture to see more images from the "Clancy" premiere & "Precious Memories" video shoot (and then click on the right hand side of the photo to advance to the next one!)

Will Anyone Ever Pick Me?

2008-08-11T10:42:00.003-05:00

It has become very important for me to identify what the Evil Voices In My Head are telling me. If I don’t, I just feel overwhelmed by fear and stupidity.

For instance, as a writer I hate walking into a bookstore. Part of me wants to find something interesting to connect with, some new writer that will affect my life like Anne Lamott or Eugene Peterson. All the covers plead for me to judge their contents by their prettiness. Truth is, sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. But instead of discovering beautiful new literary connections, I get bowled over by the silence. Like leafing through page after page of a dating service notebook filled with women last named A-G. So much muted potential, prettied-up with a fancy exterior. But mostly, it’s the overwhelming silence of all those unsold books that is so deafening to me. And I really want to be one more of the unsold authors stacked on those disorganized shelves? What could possibly be wrong with me?

All those words on all those pages. All those hours spent by someone somewhere, hoping their efforts would have some value. All those months waiting for a publisher to pick up their manuscript. All those hours wondering if that publisher will ever do anything to promote their dang book, or if it will just get lost in the shuffle of their better-selling, celebrity-driven, ghost-written titles.

It’s very similar to going into a record store and seeing all those unsold CDs just sitting there, patiently waiting for someone to give them a chance. So much unnoticed music. At the same time, there are so many artists that sell a ton of records. So many authors who sell a ton of books. And still, so many artists and authors who have personally affected me. I’m grateful they chose to throw their heart down the chute of creativity so that I could have my life changed by their expressions.

This, I believe, is truly what is compelling me to create—to write, to sing, to communicate. Because I still have a glimmer of hope that it’s possible to affect another person with what I create. People usually throw out the flippant cliché de significance: “Even if just one person was affected by what I created, it will have been worth it.” Bleck. I agree in theory. But if one person was affected, couldn’t there possibly be one million more people who could be affected as well. Wouldn’t that be better for everyone? And by everyone, I mean my bank account.

There’s significant symbolism in desiring to have my voice heard. So much in society tells me I’m just like everyone else, that there really is nothing special about me. I can’t escape the feeling inside of me, though, telling me I am actually a very unique and special individual. Heck, that even you are a very unique and special individual! That indeed there is a very special story being written with my life, and that by telling that story, other people can be inspired and encouraged to live out their own story with more clarity and significance. That by my sharing how I’ve been awakened to the power I have to love and serve others, and the incredible consequences of living life that way, that just maybe you might want to join me on this journey as well. And that just maybe, the heavy load you have been asked to carry around will somehow get a little lighter. That somehow one or two layers of onion-skin-like filters will be peeled off of your eyes so you’ll be able to see more clearly the beauty of this life. For that reason, I keep creating. To say thank you to those who have gone before me and changed my life, and trusting that something beautiful happens when I shed my fear and (alleged) stupidity, and simply step up to the challenge of telling my beautiful story.

I learned a great lesson from my dog Kirby on the very first day I met her. I had just bought my first house and knew I needed to add a dog to the picture. So I visited the local animal shelter to take a look at the most needy, abandoned dogs.

They know. The dogs know when a potential master walks through the door to all their pens. They can smell it, I believe. So they do what I would do if I was in that same predicament. The door creaks open, and they start barking at the top of their lungs. “Me! Me!! Over here!!! Way in the back!! Don’t forget me!! Pick me!! I’ll be awesome, I promise!” they yip and howl. I was just browsing, trying to hold my heart in check. I walked past one obnoxious dog after another. I didn’t want a housemate who would drive me crazy with her incessant noisemaking. Then I saw her. As soon as our eyes met, this most beautiful of yellow labs dropped her front legs straight in front of her, as if she was actually bowing toward me. She stretched for a brief second, and ended lying down flat, staring straight up at me with her huge brown eyes. Not a noise. Nothing but a gentle, noiseless plea to be chosen. Brilliant. The more the barking continued from all the other dogs, I knew I found the one for me.

There are many days I feel like I’m stuck in a cage, certain that if someone important would just pick me and my impressive creative projects, my life would be as it is intended to be. Full of joy and significance. The truth is that I truly am free. I am free to create and express my heart and explore this life, seeking ways to find understanding and truth through it all. I am free to live outside the cage of others’ expectations. And I am free to be a quiet participant on the bookshelf of life. There’s great value in my story and I trust it will find the exact audience that needs to read it, so there’s no need to worry about the days that pass when no one gives my cover a second glance.

But between you and me, it sure would be fun if someone would just pick me.

Nashville - A Gold Digger's Town

2008-08-06T21:35:00.003-05:00

Nashville is such a city of promise. It reminds me a bit of the California Gold Rush of mid-1800. Some lucky random guy found gold in an old mill, and before long, 300,000 men, women, and children flocked to the Golden State from all over the country, and even as far away as Latin America, Europe, Australia and Asia. A handful of people recovered millions of dollars worth of gold, but most people went home none the richer. As you can imagine, the boom brought with it a considerable amount of economic good for California.

Unfortunately, the Gold Rush wasn’t without its negative affects, as Native Americans were attacked and pushed off their land, creating race and ethnic tensions. Not to mention environmental harm caused by prospectors literally overturning every stone, trying to get their piece of the pot.

When I first heard there was gold in them there hills of Nashville, it wasn’t long before I knew I needed to pack up my wagon and trek across the country from Minnesota to see what I might uncover.

Heck, I had as good of a chance as anybody, right? I remember thinking a well-intentioned, charismatic, halfway-decent singer like myself stood a pretty good shot at a record deal. I had bought records and seen concerts by artists who appeared to be a lot more mediocre than me. People say the record industry just puts out crap. I say, why can’t they just put out my crap?

I packed my wagon (a tiny Plymouth Horizon that used to belong to my Grandma Bob) to the gills with my CD collection and enough underwear to last a week. I was lovingly sent off by an extremely encouraging group of people who had probably never met a prospector. Sure, they’d seen them on TV or in the movies, but a real life dream-chasing gold-digger? Probably not one. I know I hadn’t. I had no role models.

It wasn’t long after I arrived in Nashville I learned that finding opportunities in the music biz is a bit like panning for gold. You can fill your pan up with all kinds of sand and rocks, sifting through it all with a fine-toothed comb, hoping that one little fleck of something shiny might emerge. After a long while of finding nothing of value, it’s easy to begin wondering if the problem is actually me and not simply that I’m looking for gold in an already scoured riverbed.

Did the empty-handed forty-niners who left California realize the randomness of finding the gold, or did they possibly think there was something inherently wrong with them? I’m not saying that's how I felt. But it was.

Without any prospects, I basically had to constantly sniff around, turning over all kinds of stones, looking for opportunities. Or friends. I found out early enough that you had to pick one or the other.

There was one guy I had met early on in my time here in Nashville who was a considerably successful songwriter and was part of a group that was doing pretty well on the charts. We hit it off as friends and started hanging out. I met his wife and kids—it was that level of hanging out.

One day as we were driving somewhere he told me, “Mark, I don’t think I can be friends with you. You don’t fit into the business side of my life, or the family side of my life.”

Sure, he was busy, and was probably just trying to create margin in his life. But I was floored. It wasn’t enough that we enjoyed each other’s company, and experienced a unique interpersonal connection. I just didn’t fit into his purpose-driven realm of relational possibilities. I’ve experienced rejection before, but never for such awkwardly verbalized, heart-blocked reasons.

Someone wise once told me, “Friendship in Nashville—don’t take it personally.”

I’ve held onto that gold nugget of wisdom for years.

My Briefs - What A Week!

2008-07-26T10:15:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by joy. It's been a remarkable week. One of my most favorite things in the world is seeing Drum Corps competing live. MTSU hosts a big one every summer. I went last night. After my scheduled corps-compadre cancelled, I decided I could go alone. I got a bit lost trying to find the place, and arrived late at exactly the same time as John, a perfect stranger whose wife let him have the night off to go to his first Corps show in 20 years because it was his birthday, of all things. A self-professed band geek (like myself), and ahem...Trekkie (not that there's anything wrong with that), John became the perfect companion for this awesome night. I was reminded of the power that excellence and creativity have to bring 20,000 people to their feet. I sat in awe as I watched marching and heard playing that both seemed un-human, constantly picturing the hundreds of hours these sun-bronzed, disciplined kids have spent on blazing hot practice fields, working their skills to perfection. Made me feel old and a little lazy, but off-the-chart psyched up to keep aiming for excellence, and to find new, creative ways of expressing myself that will inspire others to come more fully alive. Happy Birthday, John! Your presence was a gift to me last night. You would've been a great Scout.

Sheryl Crow Thursday night at the Sommet Center was incredible as well. She's hot and confident, and about as prolific of a songwriter as they come. Quite a remarkable voice, too. Wednesday night with Eric, and Monday with Josh D. were killer. And Tuesday was a huge day for working the plow in the field of forgiveness. My heart is tender.

I'm also blown away by the great work my friend Christopher Davis did producing "Precious Memories" for me - the first song I've recorded that I've written both the music and lyrics. It's on my myspace page and will appear in the film "Clancy" being produced by Kelly's Filmworks out of Louisville. What an honor. "Superfamous" will also be appearing the film "Fraternity House," but that's a whole other kind of honor. One that smells more like beer.

Ah, the sweet dichotomy of my life.

My Promised Land

2008-07-14T11:23:00.003-05:00

I would never call myself a scholar per se, on anything, except maybe pop music in the 80s. But I do find it interesting in the Old Testament where Moses leads the stubborn, incredibly cynical Israelites through the desert for 40 years. Seriously? 40 years is a crazy long time to be on a journey toward something you can’t see.

Turns out they were promised a kind of freedom, a land where they could be free from the tyranny they had lived under in Israel, a land flowing with milk and honey. Show me a land flowing with steak and ice cream, and I might journey toward it myself, but if I'm gone a week with no sign of nothing meaty or creamy, I'm out of there.

These Israelites, as much as they complained, must have had incredible determination and persistence to stay on the course. Still, I would've become tired, distracted, resentful. I would have to be reminded over and over exactly why we were doing this whole "wandering through the desert" thing. Probably several times each day.

I imagine having thoughts like: "Hey Moses, you sure you know where you're taking us?" "Now, why exactly are we doing this?" or "This land here looks pretty good. I think I can smell honey."

Why did God feel like he needed these people to not reach their Promised Land for such a long period of time? Why did so many people have to die along the way, never seeing the end of their journey? Should they have stayed home if they would've known how things would end up for them?

To me, this is an incredible story about not giving up, even when all signs are pointing for you to find the nearest exit.

This is what my time in Nashville has been like. There have unquestionably been awesome times of joy and significance. Relationships I have made which are rooted in tremendous joy and love. But, as you can imagine, there are also times of incredible drought and solitude. Times of extremely hard work and painful emotional suffering. Times I wonder if this road I'm on is actually going anywhere.

The best answer I can give myself to the question of where is all this wandering taking me? Where I'm Supposed to Be. Many days I feel like I'm going nowhere. And the quietness of the present feels like emptiness, more than freedom. But when I'm in my right mind, and resting in the love surrounding and within me, I'm convinced that even today, no matter how I feel or how bleak things look, I'm where I'm supposed to be. And that the place I'm heading is also exactly where I'm supposed to be, and chances are, it won't look anything like I had thought it would.

One of my favorite people, Anne Lamott, suggested that God let the Israelites wander for so long so they would have a chance to redefine what they thought their Promised Land should look like. To me, it looks like they had to be stripped of all their expectations, they had to struggle, they had to watch their loved ones die, they had to be hungry and thirsty and tired, they had to be chased through the desert and the sea by ferocious enemies, they had to be blinded to their destination, all so they would better see how truly incapable they are of creating their own Promised Land, and how being able to receive the most beautiful gifts can only happen with completely empty hands.

I wish I could sit around a campfire one night with some of those Israelites. Especially some of the older ones, and hear what they might say to some of the younger ones, perhaps that had been born only after the journey started. I'd like to hear the stories, not of the Red Sea parting, or the fire cloud leading them, but of the silent times. The times when they wanted to give up. When they were convinced they were on a hopeless mission. And the times when they did give up, but a friend came alongside and kicked them in the butt to get them to keep walking. I want to hear what it was like to be told to follow Moses, and then be convinced he was crazy. I want to be told that while they know there's a land out there they've been promised, that the stuff of real life, like meaning and significance and love, happens here in the desert, sitting around the campfire, laughing and telling stories. And carrying each other when you just can't take another step.

Enjoy!

2008-07-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

I always chuckle a little when someone drops off our plates of food at a restaurant. How as they walk off, with forced quasi-hospitality, they offer the one word of direction anyone needs while staring at a plate full of food with an empty stomach: "Enjoy!" Oh...OK! I will do that! I will enjoy this food! Thank you for the reminder. People never talk like this in real life. These people continually get away with it.

But the directive I received when leaving a restaurant last week topped that. As we left Saltgrass, the host holding the door said, "Hope you enjoy everything!" As if he's directing us to enjoy everything that happens from here on out. Once you leave the premises, please make every effort to enjoy what happens. Perhaps he meant to say "Hope you enjoyed everything..." but I like to believe this host holds the secret to life I've been longing to find. You know what, just enjoy everything. Don't analyze everything, or try figure out why you do what you do, or why someone you care about doesn't do what you think they should do, don't stress, don't worry, don't freak out about stuff that's completely out of your hands. Just enjoy everything.

Why yes, Mr. Saltgrass Host with a ponytail, I will. I will enjoy everything. Thanks for the tip.

Wannabe - Book Excerpt

2008-07-10T19:58:00.003-05:00

The first time I ever played any of my songs for a Nashville decision maker was at a big publisher’s office, shortly after moving to Nashville. Cindy was super nice, and I felt like she really wanted to be helpful. I played my most personal song for her, “Turn My Eyes Upon You.”

“This one’s too personal.” She said too matter of factly.
“Oh really?” I thought that was a good thing. Obviously I was ignorant to the ways of real songwriters. “That was my goal with that one. You know, to be personal. Don’t you think too many artists sing songs that don’t mean anything at all?”
“That doesn’t matter.” The clock was ticking.

She explained how as a publisher she was looking for songs she could pitch to other artists to record, and how they need to be able to make the songs sound like their own.

“Like you could change the line, If you see a smile on my face, it’s not that everything is going just fine to When I see the smile on your face, I know it’s not blah, blah, blah….” I couldn’t hear anything more. This was my incredible song that she was altering. People back home in Minnesota liked my song. Are they dumb? I didn’t think so.

I wish I could go back in time and have coffee with that Mark, just after that meeting.

“So, how did it go?” Mature Mark would ask.
“She hated me.” I’d respond.
“Oh really. What exactly made you feel like she hated you?”
“She said my songs were stupid. And too personal.” I think I’m starting to sound like a 13-year-old girl at this point.
“What had you hoped she would do for you?”

Silence. I had no frame of reference. I had no idea what to expect, except opens doors of opportunity and lots of pats on the back.

“I hoped she’d like me and want to help me.”
“And see your overwhelming potential drenched in brilliance?”
“Exactly.” I’d high-five myself.
“Well, I can see it.”
“Thanks, me.” I’d reply, awww-shucking.
“Let me give you a little secret.”
“I’m all ears.” I have nowhere to be, so what’s a little free advice from the future going to hurt me?
“Some of these people, these decision-makers, these gate-keepers, they don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“That’s exactly what I thought!”
“But…”
“Of course, there’s a but.”
“But, they are still the decision-makers. So it becomes your responsibility to make it as simple as possible for them to make the decisions you want them to make.”
I chuckle. “Right. How am I supposed to do that?”
“Don’t be offended by this. But you can do this best by being excellent.”
“Excellent?” I’m not getting anywhere with myself.
“How long have you been a songwriter?”
“Um. About a year.”
“So do you think that in a year you have developed to the level of excellence as a songwriter that you can walk into a publisher’s office in one of the largest music cities in the world, and expect them to roll out the red carpet?”

I took that one right in the kisser.

“You need to work on your songwriting. If you want to be a published songwriter you have to learn how to write songs that publishers are looking for. Today sounds like it was a great first lesson.”
“You’re right.” I’d say, swallowing hard.
“You can’t move to Italy and expect to speak Italian right away. It’s going to take time and a lot of work. Don’t waste your time fretting over how people don’t understand what you’re trying to say. Learn the dang language. Be patient with the dance. You thought you’d move here and find someone who would tell you you’re a great dancer. But in fact, you moved here to learn how to dance. In time, you’ll be dancing like no one else. And people will pay money to watch. And they’ll be trying to learn how to dance like you.”
“Okay, that’s just weird. Are you telling me I’m not a dancer?”
“Not yet. But don’t give up. No matter how ready you think you are to be on stage."

My Declaration of Independence

2008-07-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

I'm now officially free to let other people respond to me the way they want to, and it doesn't need to affect how I feel about myself. I'm free to let other people love me in their own way, in their own time, without me taking anything personally. I'm free to let myself make mistakes in the ways that I communicate my feelings, because I am free to be misunderstood. I am free to not be liked by everyone around me. I'm free to allow the love of God and those who know me well, actually be enough to get me through today. I'm free to not be entangled by the quest for acceptance from strangers, no matter how good looking they might be. I'm free to be optimistic about the future, even if my present circumstances appear stagnant, knowing that the only thing that's certain in life is change. Still, I'm free to not be ruled by the allure of "what might happen" in the future, because I am choosing to focus on the beauty of the present. I'm free to be surprised by what might come my way, because I'm entering into today without any expectations.

This is my declaration of independence.

A Couple Thoughts...

2008-07-01T21:00:00.002-05:00

Here are some things I've been thinking about.
1) Baseball. What an unbelievable game. I love how one person from the offense goes up against the whole defense. It's a complex, individualistic team sport filled with guys who seem to just dig hanging out with their buddies while they travel the road for half a year. I wish the season had a quarter of the games they play so each game would count more. Currently, it's a bit like a marathon where teams have to pace themselves for a hopefully big finish six months down the road.
2) Ambition. Tricky proposition. I believe it's probably easier not having dreams and goals. Yet, it's hard to imagine walking around with your bow and arrow cocked but with nothing to shoot at.
3) Friendship. I can't imagine not having someone to reflect back to me who I truly am, my worth, my value, my mistakes, my weaknesses. On my own, I can paint a self-portrait that looks a lot more like what I'm attracted to, or what I'm repulsed by (depending on the day), than who I really am.
4) God. It appears that ultimately he's going to do whatever he wants. And usually that's better than what I could've scripted. More nuanced, more beautiful, more redemptive.

Friday Night at the Prison

2008-07-01T09:06:00.002-05:00

Had a great night at the prison. I wanted to throw the guys a party, you know, cause no one else ever does. So I loaded up the truck with food from Costco - shrimp, deli wraps, fireballs, olives, apple pie, ice cream - the essentials... and invited the incredibly talented Nashville Soul Choir to provide the musical entertainment. I love them! My buddies, the gym worker guys, had set up the gym so nice and helped serve all the food and run the sound. I spoke on how to live a life that defies expectations. It was so exciting to see their faces light up when they got a taste of hope for perhaps the first time.

I told them why I do this:
1) To make me look good.
2) To make them feel good.
3) To make God look good.

Here's an article I wrote about how I got into prison ministry in the first place: Part One & Part Two

My Briefs - Monday Night

2008-06-30T22:39:00.002-05:00

Just had an amazing dinner. I was going to settle for a drive-thru somewhere. Something cheap. And then decided to actually go to one of my favorite restaurants, J. Alexanders, and have my favorite Salmon Caesar Salad. It was amazing. A baseball game was on in hi-def, my favorite brew was on tap, and the bartender was actually interesting. I even made pleasant conversation with the men on either side of me while I ate. It was a success, but simply because I chose to dive deeper into my heart and go after something I love, rather than just settling for something cheap and easy.

How’s My Sobriety Going?

2008-06-29T18:41:00.000-05:00

I was just asked how it's going with my sobriety. I can't imagine what my face looked like because my mind started racing at 300 miles per hour, attempting to scan every conversation I've had with this guy to figure out exactly what he might be referring to. It's not like we're the closest of friends, you know, like someone I would tell my secrets to, who would then be given permission to ask me questions like this. I had just told him how meaningful, joyful, and story-filled are my times on the weekend during my bartending shifts at the hotel.

"I mean, it must be difficult being around the alcohol and people drinking all the time," he clarified.

My head was still spinning. I've lived my whole life doing what the best publicists do for all the celebrities—spin control. You know how they take their client's random acts of stupidity caught on tape and turn them into something career-building? That's what I do for my biggest client—me. Except it's a bit more subtle. If I can keep up the appearance that everything is the way it's "supposed to be" then there won't be anybody trying to get underneath, to see what's really brewing in my cauldron of gooey pleasantness. There's nothing intriguing about nice.

Being nice is a great way to keep people at a distance. And for an attention-hungry, insecure, emotionally-driven narcissist, I can get pretty hungry for attention. So I've learned subtle ways to manipulate people into giving me a taste of the sweet honey I crave.

When you show a chink in your nice, especially if it's a briefly revealed glimpse of pain on your face, it concerns people.

"What's wrong?" They ask because they think they care, they actually just want everyone around them to be nice. It makes things better.

I let out a big sigh. "Oh, nothing." Most people just walk away, but that's okay. They don't really care anyway, I guess. But when a person actually stops for a minute to dig deeper, that's when I feel like I hit the jackpot, even though I'm acting like I'm four-years-old.

I've driven through several remarkable blizzards. And ended up in several remarkably deep ditches as well. One time I was driving back to college in Blair, Nebraska, after spending the weekend at home, working at the radio station and going to church in Omaha. I'll never forget how so suddenly a switch in my brain literally flipped telling me to turn left. In the middle of the highway. Where there was no road. I can't explain it. But I made a perfect 90 degree turn straight off the edge of the road and into the snowy ditch. This was in the days before cell phones. So there's nothing to do, except wait for somebody with a truck, and the time to help, to drive by and hopefully find me. Like Gilligan in the snow. I think people prayed a lot more back then. Now we just pick up the phone to call for help.

On snowy nights, kind people with trucks will actually drive out into the bad weather looking for people to help. These people should get free cable TV for life or something like that. The problem for me is that people who stop and help tow people out of the ditch don't stick around. They've got other people to go help. So I'm left to keep driving. I was helped, but I'm still alone.

Some people continually look for ditches to drive into, so they can keep getting rescued. This helps them feel alive. I am prone to be this way, though I'm thankful I don't have to resort to this kind of desperate behavior very often. Though, I probably do more often than I realize. My self-help term for this kind of behavior is self-sabotage. To the extreme, self-sabotage inflicts great pain on yourself in order to hopefully bring about great rescue.

I don't need someone to rescue me, though there are days I feel like I'd love Calgon, or somebody similar in effect, to take me away. My life's mission has been to find someone who won't walk away. I don't mean that I need someone to continually ask how I am really doing. But someone who I can share life with, someone who will tell me the thoughts they think are stupid, and try to describe the feelings that don't seem to have any words that fit. A compadre. A teammate. Another me.

Until then, I get to live with what feels at times like relational bumper-cars. I'm sitting in my car driving mostly in circles, attempting to bump into anybody near me. We crash bumpers, our heads jolt back, we laugh. We do it again, and then we find someone else to bump into. We keep crashing into each other until the Guy shuts off the ride. I've been stuck so often in the corner, unable to back up my bumper car, so far away from all the action going on. The teenage kid usually has to come over and physically push my car out of the corner to get me back into the game.

So when this guy asked how it was going with my sobriety, he was in effect asking me if I ever needed to be pushed out of the corner. What an intriguing question. My answer is an unquestionably and exclamatory, "Yes!" But to put a label on exactly what puts me in the corner won't do it justice. It's not simply bartending, It's not simply drinking or any particular action. Sometimes I just get tired of all the crashing into other people and want to see if anyone is out there there who will push me out of the corner.

Fear

2008-06-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are." —Don Miguel Ruiz

I like to look at my life like it's my own special kind of reality television show, probably because fear is such an incredibly powerful force in my life. Let me count the ways: I'm afraid of being run over by a semi while I drive next to one on the Interstate; I'm afraid of falling from someplace really high like a skyscraper or getting sucked out of plane without a parachute; I'm afraid of getting stuck in a tiny crevice I have to crawl through to escape from a cave and then water starts seeping in until I'm completely underwater; I'm afraid of someone sneaking up behind me while I write this in my hopefully empty house with all the doors locked; I'm afraid of tomatoes, mushrooms, onions and green peppers—though not as much as I used to be.

I'd heard so much about people running headlong into their fears and emerging victorious. They'd jump out of a plane, or spend the night in a haunted house, just to zap their psyche free of their paralyzing fear. I decided I would drive over to my local Sonic and order a BLT just to attempt my own headlong run into one of my fears. My history would tell me I was going to hate it, that I would probably want to vomit right there in my drive-in stall.

"Welcome to Sonic, can I help you?" the friendly voice asked, completely unaware of my predicament.

"Um, yes." My voice is shaking. "I'd like to…order…number…" My head is spinning. The check engine light is flashing on the dashboard of my brain.

"Do you have a BL…T?" Maybe they didn't have one. Maybe they are out of tomatoes. I hear the cicadas screaming just beyond my car.

"We sure do! Would you like the combo?" She couldn't be more cheerful.

"No thanks. Just a sweet tea, though please. Large." I never get sweet tea. I must be delirious.

She told me how much it was going to cost, but she had no idea how expensive this order really was. I thought about driving off, but they'd recognize my car and I'm not that kind of guy anyway.

Standing on the edge of my own Grand Canyon, I ate the dang thing and something really unexpected happened. I was completely blown away. The sweetness and juiciness of the tomato and crispness of the lettuce deliciously complimented the crunchy toast and crispy bacon. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed that sandwich. It's the perfect summer sandwich when it's super hot outside and you don't feel like eating a lot of food. And the sweet tea had just the right amount of sugar. That night I dove into a sandwich I had been afraid of my whole life and I emerged with one less fear.

Friday is Trash Day

2008-06-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

Drive through my neighborhood on Thursday night and you will see everyone's identical black trash container lined up like soldiers awaiting their, um, emptying? It's a weekly reminder that underneath it all, we are all basically the same: We all throw out a ton of crap. Continually. There isn't a week without garbage. But for me and my incredible neighbor Louise, it's more than just trash day. It's a contest. Mind you, Louise is in her 90s. You won't know it looking at her, or talking to her, she's simply amazing. She's got vim and vigor, as my Grandma used to say.

Answers.com defines vim & vigor as: Ebullient vitality and energy, as in He was full of vim and vigor after that swim. This redundant expression uses both vim and vigor in the sense of "energy" or "strength."

Perfect. They should have a picture of Louise next to their definition. She reminds me a lot of my great-grandma Adeliza Glaze. Addie. She bowled, drove and worked well into her 80s. She loved baseball, the sport of her son, Kenny. Addie also had more than a bit of spit-fire attitude in her, right up until the end. I don't see the spit-fire attitude in Louise, but I do sense a common desire to not let life stop her from living.

The contest between me and Louise is to see who can roll the other's garbage can back to their house before the other person does. She continually wins. And I can't help but smile, and love her a little bit more each week.

Lately, I've been leaving early on Friday morning to go visit guys in prison, so I'm not around when the garbage truck rolls by, but Louise usually is. When I pull back into my driveway, there sits my black container, sitting next to my house, like Kirby at the back door, anxious to come back inside after going potty.

I'm not sure exactly why she does this. I know my reason stems from wanting to help her out. You know, she's old, she could probably use a hand. It's simple enough for me. I think her desire might be the same, combined with a bit of that fiery determination to show me she's still more than able.

I just talked to Louise out in front of my house. She looked like a million bucks, like she was going to have lunch with the other ladies from the Country Club. I told her how beautiful she looked.

"I'm going for a check-up," she smiled.

"Well, I hope it's a good report." I tried to be optimistic, forgetting how impossible it is to one-up her chipperness.

"You know, It's not big deal."

It seems like all the things I worry about are such a big deal, but as I get older, the things that used to be so big, are in fact quite small, or even non-existent.

"You just have to live life," she continued. "You can't worry about tomorrow. Enjoy today. That's all you have to do." She keeps reminding me of this truth each time I see her. I believe her. Again, for the first time.

Thanks, Louise. I needed that. I'm glad you live next door to me, and I'm glad that we have trash day on Friday.

A Blog For Which I Write

2008-06-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

These days I'm contributing to The Sub Standard - a pretty cool pop culture blog. I'm kind of the music guy. Every once in a while I write about music stuff that's captured my interest.

I go by "It's Just Pop" in case you want to find other blentries I've written.

I Am A Wannabe

2008-02-26T20:16:00.000-06:00

I have lived under the curse of potential my entire life. I’ve been bombarded with comments from people all saying the same thing: I can’t wait to see what happens to you! Will you still remember me when you’re famous? Seriously, I’ve had it. When someone says that to me nowadays, I roll my eyes and say, Yeah, me too. My reaction usually elicits some sort of Awww, hang in there type of encouragement. Maybe what I desire more is empathy over actual success.

If my life was going to be a Broadway musical (please God please!) the curtain would open, the orchestra would begin playing, and one-by-one several signs would light up all over the stage looking a little like Times Square, but it’d actually be downtown Nashville. The music would build to a climax as our hero makes his arrival down the middle aisle, through the audience, and when he arrives front and center, with suitcases in hand, probably wearing a Newsboy cap and knickers and an overwhelmed Golly, I’m in the big city now expression, he turns to face the audience and starts singing:

I’m gonna make it.
I’m gonnna do it.
I’m gonna make my dreams come true
With lots of hard work, and determination
People will quickly discover me

I’m gonna fake it
Until I make it
My big smile will see me through
Nothing can stop me, I’m on my way
I‘m gonna make my dreams come true

People will look at me and say
How did it do it?
He made it through it!
He made his dreams come true

It will be a grand celebration on stage and in the audience. Kind of like how excited everybody was as they were boarding the Titanic.

After that first song is over the hero holds his final pose just a little too long. He’s filled with confidence, but as the applause dies out, fear begins to creep in. Thank God he has a plan. He rips open his coat and proudly reveals a shirt that says Pick Me with an arrow pointing to his face.

I’ve lived my whole life hoping that someone would pick me. It’s funny the things that desire will make a guy do.

I’m a wannabe. Officially. That’s even what my license plate says. The term has an unfairly negative connotation to it, one which I hope to redeem. If someone comes to Nashville with a dream, and they are perceived as being a bit delusional, as if it’s possible to have a dream that’s a little too big, they are labeled as a wannabe, and usually dismissed. In contrast, there are people who come to town who are incredible beautiful and talented, and it’s determined that they could be a source of income for a lot of people, they are called artists. So in effect, a wannabe is someone who no one thinks they can make any money off of. Valueless. Worthless. Funny enough, In spite of the occasional, needle-in-a-haystack success story, both wannabes and artists are usually hard-pressed for cash.

So why do I want to label myself as a wannabe? Because I am a person who is continually striving and reaching. I want to dream bigger than what other people think is reasonable. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but it goes beyond just doing. It’s about being. I don’t ever want to settle for the ways things are. I believe that it is possible for me to learn and grow into more and more of the person that God wants me to be. Fortunately, my faith tells me that God is all about that, as well. When people ask me, What is it that you wanna be (they usually chuckle), I can say, There are a lot of things I want to be and do. I want to be a great friend, a great son and brother, a great writer, musician, actor, creative-type person. I want to be a great listener. I want to be compassionate. I want to be loving. I could go on…

When I can clearly see what my target is, I have an easier time aiming my arrow in the right direction.

Burn Baby, Burn...

2008-02-12T20:52:00.000-06:00

My Favorite Musical Things From 2007

2008-01-01T20:53:00.000-06:00

FAVORITE SINGLES FROM 2007
ANYWAY Martina McBride
HOW YOU LIVE (TURN UP THE MUSIC) Point Of Grace
LONG TRIP ALONE Dierks Bentley
UNDO ME Rush Of Fools
I'M NOT WHO I WAS Brandon Heath
CHASING CARS Snow Patrol
HOME Daughtry
LOVE SONG Sara Bareilles
GRACE KELLY/LOVE TODAY Mika
UNDER THE INFLUENCE/WONDERFUL WORLD James Morrison
YOUNG FOLKS Peter Bjorn And John Featuring Victoria Bergsman
CLOSER Travis
CAN'T STOP THE BEAT Hairspray
WHAT TIME IS IT? High School Musical 2
SOULMATE Natasha Bedingfield
HOT STUFF Craig David

CLOSE CALLS
WAIT FOR YOU Elliott Yamin
IT ENDS TONIGHT The All-American Rejects
THNKS FR TH MMRS Fall Out Boy
BOSTON Augustana
YOU KNOW I'M NO GOOD/REHAB Amy Winehouse
APOLOGIZE Timbaland Featuring OneRepublic
BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT Mat Kearney
BEAUTIFUL DISASTER Jon McLaughlin
GIMME MORE Britney Spears
AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT Robert Randolph & The Family Band
TIME WON'T LET ME GO The Bravery
TYPICAL Mutemath
LOST WITHOUT U Robin Thicke

FAVORITE CDS
UNDISCOVERED James Morrison
LIFE IN CARTOON MOTION Mika
SONGS OF MASS DESTRUCTION Annie Lennox
ELLIOTT YAMIN Elliott Yamin
HOW YOU LIVE Point of Grace
VERSION Mark Ronson
INDIANA Jon McLaughlin
LITTLE VOICE Sara Bareilles

NEW FAVS IN 2008
FALLING IN LOVE AT A COFFEE SHOP Landon Pigg
SAY John Mayer
FEEDBACK Janet Jackson

Why?

2007-09-03T20:55:00.000-05:00

A lady yesterday told me that she wished that she could stop wanting to do things that were really, really bad for her. This is coming from one of the most loving and compassionate people I know. I felt her sadness and frustration. And I couldn't help but wonder if the two were connected—her struggle and her compassion. While she cries out to God to have Him take away her frustrated desires, He lets them remain because he knows what the struggle does to her. It keeps her humble, it keeps her in check, it keeps her on her knees. She's learning she can't be her own savior. And she's learning the value of showing love and compassion to other people who are also struggling. If she was preaching a message of complete healing and sanctification here on earth, she would leave in her wake scores of frustrated unhealed others. But instead, she is learning and teaching the value of leaning on God and each other for hope and strength to make it through another day. Sounds like it's all going according to Plan.

Pilgrim Man

2007-07-02T12:11:00.000-05:00

This is collection of songs I've written through the years I hope will be an encouragement to the church, just like Lars in "The Secret Meeting Place," who was instructed to awaken the slumbering souls in the village down below. This is one of the ways I hope to do that. The title track sums it up for me. Here are the lyrics:

Verse One: Thirsty soul tired feel empty hands heavy heart, This is not all you have, you have been given more Chorus: Pilgrim man don't give up though the road be long and the journey hard. You are not alone and God will carry you. Hold on pilgrim man, you're almost home Verse Two: Faithful friends by your side. burning heart, hope in sight. He's been down this road before, He's walking with you now Repeat Chorus: Bridge: You might think you've had enough, but the best is yet to come Repeat Chorus: Benediction: May the Lord grant you peace (On your journey home), May the Lord grant you grace (On your journey home), May the Lord grant you joy (On your journey home), May the Lord grant you faith (On your journey home)

Crap.

2007-05-14T20:56:00.000-05:00

Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take. The partially-cleaned carpet stains are right near my feet as I type. The smell isn't so much overbearing, as is it a curiosity-inducing "what is that?" Every once in a while, the acidic sweetness of urine wafts past my nose. See, my dog wasn't feeling too well the other night. Or she was mad at me. Or she was lonely and didn't think I was ever coming home. I have no way of knowing if anything goes through her brain except "I have GOT to get rid of this crap ASAP!" Being the sensitive female that she is, she made sure she did it out of the way of the main thoroughfares of my house, hoping not to disturb order too much. But did she ever dump a load or two. Sweet thing.

But between you and me, when I got home Sunday about 2am to find these lovely deposits, I was too worn out to really clean it up. I picked up the biggest chunks…and left the rest. The remnants. And I'm guessing that's what I'm smelling right now. So I've lit a candle. That buys me some time before I really have to dig in and clean up her…my mess. She made it; then it became my mess. It's no longer hers. Dogs have no ownership of their messes. This is where we differ. I own my messes. Or at least, I'm supposed to. And I can't help but wonder if my life is filled with lit candles covering up the rank odor of my sloppy depravity.

I can't know completely how to answer that. But I can begin by cleaning the carpet today. And when I see something else that needs cleaning, clean that. It's easy to light a candle. But I don't want to be a person who walks through all of life's crap simply smelling artificial cinnamon scents.

Worship Is...

2007-04-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

Worship Is....a choice. I have a choice as to how I'm going to respond to God's love for me. I could sit around my house and revel in the fact that the God of the Universe is passionately in love with me. Or I could allow that powerful love to be the fuel that gets me out of the house, filled with strength, courage, compassion, and creativity to interact with the world around me.

I've tried worship where I sing with eyes closed, arms outstretched, seeking to have a "good worship experience." And sometimes I feel all gushy and warm, like "God really showed up." But the fact remains that God has shown up...and will continue showing up...regardless of how I feel. Actually, it requires for me to have more faith in the truth of God when the "feelings" of His presence are absent.

Worship Is...continually choosing to not place such high value on my own feelings, and place higher value on the people around that God puts in my life--people who are desperately wanting to experience God's love, hope and compassion. I receive from God, not so I can hold onto it, but so that I can give it away to others.

God so loved the world that....he gave His only son. God showed his love to the world by sending his son. I desire to show God my own love for him...in worship. The best way I can do that, in my opinion, is by sending myself out into the world around me. God so loved me that...I can give my own life away to others.

Videos

2006-10-10T23:33:00.000-05:00

To download:
(right click on title - then save as)

SMEBY RUNNING VIDEO

SMEBY MOVIE

Thank you!

You have no idea how much I love you

2006-05-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

You have no idea how much I love you, though at times I do believe you catch glimpses of it. Those are the times of peace that you encounter--it's kind of a peace that blows you away, right? You dont have to work very hard to feel my love--it's always present. If I could give you a little advice, I'd say, Man, I'm so proud of you. I made you very special. I believe you know that, and I love how you live your life always looking for ways to bring love and joy to other people. That's awesome! You are doing so much really great stuff and being used so well, that it's hard to think you'd be better off somewhere else.

Even still, I want to empower you to go after what you desire deep down, and trust that I'm with you. Really dig in and go after your dreams. I'm not going to be a genie in a bottle for you, but I'm with you. Cheering you on.

I love to see you happy and while I want you to know that TRUE happiness is only going to be found by resting in my love & peace, there are great joys to experience in this world so GO FOR IT! But, be patient and don't let your place in the journey ever get you down, or make you feel like there's something wrong with you or your abilities. Step back and see it as a beautiful, valuable story that's being written--it's not about you getting everything you want, or it's not about you being perfect, or amazing, or even great. It's about taking the next step in the direction that you hear me whisper. You HAVE been doing that really well--but I sense discouragement when you focus too much on the FUTURE. The problem with being ambitious is that you continually run the risk of not being present. That's why you have to work extra hard to stay present and see all that I'm giving you today, and all that you have --you truly have all you need for your deepest joy TODAY!

You are tempted to believe that what you have isn't enough--that somehow it's old, or no longer valuable, that it's time for something new to keep you juiced up -- this isnt true. New is exciting, but there's great peace in laying into, or sinking deeper into what you have today--that's where you can best feel my love. Your conceptions of what will be nice to have in the future will never match up with reality. Your quest for new only keeps you on the treadmill of discontent.

I made you a beautiful person though you are still prone to sin and its consequences--this is the area where you need to trust me the most. Trust me that I'm taking care of you and will continue to. You will be tempted to look to other people to take care of you--that's very natural. But trust me--I've got you and I'm not letting go. You have some amazing people in your life who love you very much. You have a choice to love them and let them love you. Don't feel that you have to communicate more of struggle then what is really happening, just to get their compassion. They love you already--be honest, but don't manipulate their love by manufacturing struggle.

TRUST ME. TRUST MY LOVE FOR YOU. DON'T FOCUS ON YOUR STRUGGLE SO MUCH--though it's hard, it does nobody any good! Feeling that your struggle is so difficult will hinder you from true compassion for others that I desire for you.

You are smart, creative, a great problem solver, a lover, a great friend, a deep soul, you inspire people, you bring great joy to others. You are a great success--what more could you want!

The Beauty of Being Part of A Grand Story

2006-04-17T15:49:00.000-05:00

Great sporting events draw you in with the fact that someone is going to win and someone is going to lose, and no one really knows for sure which team will emerge victorious. It's a bit of an ancient battle scene re-inacted for a commercial audience. Heroes, underdogs and even tragic losers emerge out of the story, giving everyone someone to cheer, criticize, or sympathize. There's nothing like losing yourself in a great game, especially for us guys.

I believe that we all long to be a part of a bigger story. Probably because most times it feels like our lives are overwhelmingly mundane and ordinary. We find great movies, books, or sporting events in which to lose ourselves. Still, we don't so much lose ourselves, as we allow ourselves to be swept up into the grander story that these things offer.

Samson Society has allowed me to be a part of a bigger story than just my own. Sure my life has been intertwined with a few dozen other men, but instead of losing myself in their midst, I feel like I'm finding myself. I'm finding out who I am by hearing myself tell my own story. I'm finding out who I am by hearing my own story told by other men. I'm surrounded by guys who I am cheering on, and who I know are cheering me on, as well. We're becoming a well-oiled team.

One of the most effective ways that we have found to establish a team bond, or connection, is through the use of descriptive words and imagery. That's why sporting teams have mascots, you know, as an effort to bring imagery into the story. So it's not just everyday guys out their on the field, it's Warriors and Titans, strongmen with overwhelming mythological connotations. For us, simply the name of our group conjures up imagery of the strong man Samson shackled between the two pillars in the temple. We're strong men with weaknesses! We're Samsons! Hooray!

Also, these fellow Samson-ites aren't just friends, they are my "Band of Brothers." It's like we're admitting we're in a battle together. No longer are we fighting alone, but we're traipsing through the muck and mire with guys by our side. Guys who are strong and weak, scared and brave, wild and wise. It's no longer "every man for himself" that they world seems to offer. It's like we're experiencing what it's like to be on a team, where each of the players offer their own personal value through their unique story and spirit. I can't imagine Samson without Joe Shore or Glenn McClure, Scott Dente or Jack Wallin. I can't imagine Samson without a bunch of guys. You know who I can imagine Samson without? When I get impatient and judgmental, I can imagine Samson without the guys who don't bring their full weight. You know, the guys who speak in the third person and use a lot of generalities? Most of those guys don't stick around too long. But some do. They stick it out and find their way into themselves, and into the lives of other guys. They join the team.

We're also "Pirate Monks." I am at one time a Pirate, and at another a Monk, and most times, a stunningly absurd combination of the two. But it makes sense. The imagery we use helps puts a larger story into view, when we didn't even have words to describe it in the first place. It helps us feel like we're a part of something that's bigger than ourselves, something that requires us to be brave and strong and mighty. Something that requires us to stick together in order to achieve victory.

Thankfully, we all know how this story is going to end. But in the meantime, us Samson guys are going to hang on tight to the fact that we're onto something significant. We don't have to worry about winning or losing, but we do have to focus on learning how to fall better, how to get back up quicker, and how not to let our setbacks define us. And that sometimes victory looks a lot like one guy who chooses to keep coming back, and start sharing from the heart, leaving behind pretense and posturing, taking small steps to join the Samson team. When someone does that, we all celebrate with an upturned mug, a Pirate-like "Aaarrrhhhhh" and a sometimes loud, but most times softly delivered, "Thank you Jesus!"

Is anybody out there?

2006-04-02T23:22:00.000-05:00

Something that I find oddly common with my artistic friends is that you kind of always wonder if anyone is reading, or listening, or even caring about what you've created. Then every so often, the skies open up, a dove descends, and you get a little message that makes your day. Like this one...

Dear Mark: I was listening to your "I Don't Have To" song this morning in my car and thinking about this guy I like who's name is XXXXX. Even though he'll never know how much I like him because I'll never say it or show him because I'm afaird of his rejection. But I love him that's all that matters. So thanks for making that song.

I'm glad I made it too!! Thanks for making my day!

Being on TV.

2006-03-29T17:27:00.000-06:00

Ok. So I had my TEN seconds of fame this week on nationally-broadcast television. Who knows how many hundreds of people watched, but that's more than normally see me on a good day. How did it feel? You know that place inside your soul that cries out that there's just gotta be more to this life than just the day to day, more than just the getting by? That place felt rubbed and nurtured. Like a big hug from arms unseen.

Just kidding. It didn't feel like much at all, actually. The best part of it all was how my friends and family responded to it. Everyone was so supportive and loving, it's been amazing.

But, no worries. No chance for big heads or arrogance here. My TV appearance Monday night was bookmarked by large packages of dog poo on the living room carpet both Monday and Tuesday mornings. And I've had the flu all week, myself. Not much room for feeling amazing.

Kirby Puckett was the Twins.

2006-03-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

I lost one of my heroes yesterday. He was only days away from his 46th birthday...and just a couple of months away from being re-married. I loved that Kirby represented the Underdog in appearance and Superstar in reality, both with such a huge smile. I will never forget the '87 & '91 World Series the Twins won, and I'll never forget the spark that Kirby brought to the team, to the Metrodome, to the whole state and to the whole country. Heck, I named my dog after him...because of the spark that he brought to me. The spark that says "You can do it, you can make it! You can be a champion! But more important than winning, it's the joy and love in your heart and compassion for other people that really matter in life." A message so similar in nature to what my amazing Grandma Bob used to shower me with.

Ironically, during the '91 Series Grandma Bob was in the hospital for some heart problems. She was a big Kirby fan. She had a heart-attack during the Series' day off, only to recover in time to cheer for Kirby and the Twins. She'd watch the games from her hospital bed, Homer-Hanky in hand. Yes, she did get to watch his team pull it out in the end. But, immediately after the Twins won the title, she hung up her Hanky, and said good-bye to us.

I hope this means that Grandma Bob and Kirby Puckett, two of my heroes, finally get a chance to meet.

Let's not have sex.

2006-03-06T04:05:00.000-06:00

(scene takes place in bed)

1: This is crazy, but can we not have sex?
2: What do you mean?
1: I mean, can we just lie here and not have to get all animal, just to feel like we really amount to something?
2: You mean, just lie here?
1: That sounds awesome.
2: You're kidding me. You bought me all those drinks tonight so you can cuddle?
1: I actually just want to find someone who won't leave. If we have sex, you'll leave. And then the next time I see you, you'll have told all your friends (secretly, of course!) that we had sex and you'll be all weird to me. Either you'll ignore me, or you'll be all nice and want to come over, and you'll expect sex again. It's setting a precedent.
2: A what?
(silence)
2: So you just want me to like you? As a person?
1: I'd love it if you could just listen to me when I talk, but without needing me to say anything. That you could see that you have great value in this relationship. That I need you to be strong and interesting and engaging and proactive. I need you to have a life that's awesome without me...something that I can find joy in while I'm pursuing you. That it's not all about you being captured and playing dead like every other person I've dated.
(pause)
1: I need you in ways you've never imagined. But you've got to find out in yourself what value you bring to this relationship. That's the part of you that I need the most.

My First Reality Show Experience

2006-02-24T11:15:00.000-06:00

I was assured by my agent that "it wasn't a reality show." Still, I went with low expectations and a not-so-deep-down desire to be picked. This past Monday I was part of the taping of a show for the cable channel AMC, you know, American Movie Classics? And by "classics" they mean Porky's, Risky Business, and The River Wild. Needless to say, they have a program called "Date Night" which is kind of like "Dinner & a Movie" on another channel. This program surrounds the showing of a particular movie and its requisite commercial breaks. There were eight of us guys and one "lovely" lady (she looked a lot like Cher). Throughout the course of the day, we would be interviewed and scrutinized until she was certain she had picked the best guy for her to date. At least that's the premise.

The first half of the day, us guys spent individual time in front of the camera being asked by the director about our favorite movies (Shawshank Redemption, Rudy, Chariots of Fire, Garden State), favorite comedy (Ferris Bueller's Day Off), hottest Actor or Actress (Phillip Seymour Hoffman & Felicity Hoffman), What a person's favorite movie says about them (Whether or not they are a thinking person), etc.

They also made us do an impression, something that I'm pretty horrible at. Because our "date movie" is the charming and romantic psychological thriller Silence of the Lambs I had to try to do Hannibal saying, "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chi-an-ti." Then they asked me to do that lip-quivering-sucking-mmmthatwastastey thing. I didn't do so hot. I'm certain they will edit me to look like a baffoon. But as long as it's not a "reality show," I can fall back on the "I was just acting like a baffoon" plea. Right?

The second half was spent with each of us hanging out on a red couch with the lady d'jour. We had (hopefully) funny, engaging, flirty conversation about different parts of the movie. We talked about sewing machines (No, I don't have one), lotion ("It rubs the lotion on its skin"), and "quid pro quo." It was delightful and surprisingly natural. I might have made a new friend in this semi-Cher-like lady.

While the other guys were in the studio the rest of us sat in around and ate snack food, like mini-quiches and slim jims. They were actually pretty cool guys, and we bonded pretty quickly since we were all pretty uncertain what the heck we had gotten ourselves into. One guy even told the story of his (and his wife's) recent experience on the Dr. Phil show. They got royally scammed into thinking they were going to be helped, and instead they were made fun of. Pretty sad. I hope that's not what happens to me with this "Date Night" deal.

At the end of the night, the producer came into our little holding area and announced that they (not the Cher-girl) had picked the one guy to come back in as the "winner." It was Gary, he always wins stuff and get the cool jobs. He's actually in the running to be on "Deal, No Deal." I'm happy for him, mostly, and probably would've based my self-worth too highly on the fact that some New York producer & director deemed me "most desirable."

Besides, the prize Gary won is a pair of movie tickets. And, here's the clincher. Ms. Right already has a Mr. Right. Yep, she's married, and even has a couple of kids. That's a little too much reality for me.

"Date Night" will air March 27th, 7pm Central on AMC.

That my-laundry-never-gets-dirty smell.

2006-02-10T11:15:00.000-06:00

I’ve always been someone who goes after what they want. And the fact that I am generally successful at it, has made me into a fairly self-confident, ambitious, go-getter. I can do anything. I can win in any situation. I can convince anyone that they should go this way, rather than that. I can win the hearts of one, or many. Any sign of a situation gone uncontrolled, or a person left unconvinced, tends to keep me up at night. Restless hours scheming and planning how to sway, or better yet, inspire, the antagonist in the scene to come over to my side.

I look back fondly on hearts that I’ve won over. Hearts that were hard at first, but over time realized the value of my friendship. Another notch in my logbook of life-long acquaintances. Goals I set that appeared insurmountable, disappearing in the smoke of my charm and smooth-talking.

To a certain extent, I do feel lucky for this ability. Even more thankful am I for my ability to keep it all apparently above-board. No one questioning my ability to make things, or people, happen. No one to stare me in the eyes and second guess my motives. No one but me.

But I do find it easy enough to ignore myself, as well as the next person does. So I continue on—conquering, winning, achieving, amazing, and inspiring.

There have been a handful of people who have kept me humble. People who taunt me with their own kind of charm. People who come right up to the edge of being conquerable, and then slip away... only to tease me again with their near-approachability. These are usually people who are admired by many around them. Admired for their charisma...for their ability to get things done...for their way of appearing like they have every square peg put firmly into the square hole, and every round peg nestled gently into its round hole.

I guess that might be how people view me. I mean, I hope that’s how people view me.

So, as much as I admire these people, they throw me for a loop. I’d love to be able to just grab a hold of their coat-tails and ride them into a warm feeling of self-worth and security. But those coat-tails are always just out of my grasp. I keep reaching... and they keep walking away. They keep on not returning my phone calls. They keep on staying busy talking to everybody else, making sure that they all feel good about themselves. Winning the next award, saving the next world... They’re always just around the next corner. Leaving behind their smell...that confident, my-laundry-never-gets-dirty smell.

But, I keep on. Thinking that one day, I might just attain that same sort of invincibility.

I'm On My Way.

2006-02-08T11:15:00.000-06:00

If you're anything like me, sometimes you feel like there's nothing happening in your life...and perhaps nothing ever will. The dreams that you've been holding onto are slipping through your fingers. The hopes of some kind of breakthrough professionally or relationally are gradually drifting out to sea, leaving a tangleweed of cynicism behind for you to trudge through.

Then I had this crazy thought this morning, reading a killer book called "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson. He dares to suppose that this time we're spending in what he calls The Waste Land, where we feel like nothing's happening and probably never will, is actually a very purpose-filled time. That it's a time where we are being turned into the people that will actually be capable of carrying out the dreams and hopes we're holding onto.

It's funny how everyone who enters into the military knows they have to go through the horrid, near-torture of boot-camp. But they do it because they know that it is going to prepare them for what's to come. The pain, struggle and conflict during this brief time holds great purpose for them and their greater mission.

I believe this time now, for us, is a building, growing, boot-camp, of sorts. My beliefs tell me that everything happens for a purpose, and even for a good reason. Believing that allows wherever I'm at right now to be a place of great importance.

Weird analogy: Don't you hate taking your car into the shop for repairs!? It's horribly inconvenient. Try to imagine being the car, for just a minute. My car has been built to drive fast. To take the curves and bumps like a champ, handling the roads like a dream, taking me wherever I want to go, and making it a great experience, which it does most of the time! But when I have to take it in the shop because something's not working exactly right, do you think the car complains about how it's not out on the road doing what it was created to do? I don't think so! I can only imagine the relief it must feel getting everything back in working order, even if it means waiting around a stinky repair shop for a day or so. Thanks for bearing with me on that analogy.

You and I were created for something great, and with the help of God and the people who love us, I believe we can set our sights on going after a big, hairy, audacious goal. And hopefully along the way we can remind each other of the benefit of the quiet times, the times when we are being tweaked and tuned, punched and pummelled, making us stronger and better prepared for the roads ahead of us. That makes each mile of the journey that much more meaningful, I believe.

I want to be one of those people who can focus on what I'm turning into, rather than focusing on how I might feel like I'm being held back right now. The best is yet to come, and I'm on my way.

Little Things

2006-01-24T11:15:00.000-06:00

I'm on a journey toward my dreams. And, as you can imagine, it's not always the easiest thing in the world. After I muster up enough courage to take a step forward, I'll stop and look around. I just want to see if I took the right step, or if it was a bad one. Sometimes I can't tell by myself. I have to look to other people for the objectivity I lack. One can have too many "yes men" in their life. Seriously, you really can't make room for one, except for your mother, perhaps.

Then I find myself waiting for glimpses of hope. Something that happens that tells me things are all going to work out. I've been raised to look for the big signs of affirmation (the applause, the money, the success) as proof that I'm on the right track. My eyes are learning that that kind of long-term, mostly superficial vision is merely a distraction, that really I shouldn't look so far ahead. That perhaps those big doses of encouragement are overrated.

I'm beginning to believe that the best things in life are found in the little things...the things that I might miss if I'm not looking. It's the tiny turns and twists in the road that take us to the new places...seldom new Interstates that we come across. Beauty is found in the nuance of the present. I keep praying, "God help me to see how you want to surprise me today." And he usually answers with something beautiful and meaningful...and small.

Dialogue with Dad.

2006-01-12T11:15:00.000-06:00

DAD: Did you hear anything about that TV show "The Book of Daniel"? [He then included Don Wildmon's report on how the show descecrated everything about faith and Jesus.}

ME: Hey dad - I actually did watch this show. It was a two hour pilot of a new series they're trying out. I don't think it's going to make it...it wasn't very good. There were some good moments that touched on the reality of life as a Christian, that weren't very pretty. But my Christian life, and those around me, isn't very pretty either. It kind of makes me sad that people like Don Wildmon spend so much time pointing out how horrible everything is. Perhaps we can focus on good stuff...and find the redeeming elements of things in culture...inspiring people to be more positive and faith-infused themselves, rather than weary of the culture and on the defense against all the media and arts.

Phew...just a thought. What do you think?

DAD: Well, it's like politics. If we didn't have two far-reaching basic differences, there wouldn't be need for organized religion or a risen Savior. Satan would have a field day with all of us. Praise God we can share our opinions without government imprisonment. Let's keep it that way. We have educational and media systems which worship the differences in people and forget about the basic beliefs of our founding fathers. Unfortunately, "good" truth doesn't sell TV ads or newspapers. Wildmon keeps us focused on these basic beliefs, the strength and backbone of the USA. There is still room for constructive differences of opinion.

I am concerned about your comment "...my Christian life and those around me isn't very pretty" What are you trying to tell me?

ME: Hey pop - hope you're doing great this morning. thanks again for the continued dialogue...and for asking questions like this one, re: "...my Christian life and those around me isn't very pretty" What are you trying to tell me?

Here goes. I grew up thinking that the Christian life was about being pretty...about having a firm handshake and a big smile...and performing well for the crowds. I didn't know anything about brokenness. Part of that's age, part of that is church influence. But I'm surrounded by guys who are mostly broken, but are holding onto hope that Christ is a good, loving, compassionate Savior. Someone who is working on us, more than we can work on ourselves. In the meantime, we struggle. We deal with crap. It's not very pretty. Many people drink too much, smoke too much, too addicted to porn or other sexual things outside of their marriages, drugs, anger, separation from spouse and family, ego, eny, pride, jealousy, selfish ambition...i could go on, unfortunately.

That's what I was referring to. There's nothing pretty about living in honest community with other people. But there's a beauty to it that transcends it all...a beauty that feels like grace and love, something that comes from outside of ourselves.

Ok...your turn. Any thoughts? Love you....

DAD: Hi Mark- Thanks for sharing. You've decided to involve yourself in an area most people try to avoid...honesty with self, non-judgmental behavior of fellow believers, willingness to sacrifice time, talent, resources to help others, etc., etc.. I admire your position and wish I had 1/8th the compassion you demonstrate to the guys who are hurting.

There will always be opportunity for those who reach out to "the hurting" and disenfranchised. The "church" usually is a grouping of geese-like clones of each other, seeking comfort and purpose without having to pay a price for that. Therefore, "the comfortable pew," [is filled by] the self-satisfied, blinded-by-the-beauty-of-it-all "successful folks" who sail through life without confrontation for their sinful thoughts and behaviors. I am guilty as charged.

You are an amazing source of encouragement and hope for many folks--including your pop.

Loveyamore,
: ) pop

That's How You Show It?

2006-01-05T11:15:00.000-06:00

So you want me?
And that's how you show it?
You're gonna have to do better than that
If you want all of me
My heart doesn't come so cheap
No, this love ain't so free
Not up for just a one night thing
But a full-time affair
What I want is a little bit more
Than you just being there
If you got it in you
Only you can say
But you better let me know
In a little different way

How Much Are You Worth?

2006-01-04T11:15:00.000-06:00

At times I feel like I'm in elementary school, waiting on the playground for someone to pick me to play for their kickball team. For someone to say, "Hey you, there. We need you for our team!" Someone please pick me, I seem to cry out, in a variety of now semi-grown-up ways.

WORTH is something that me and my friends talk about alot. But it's not about money or stuff that you own. It's about how valuable you are to the world. To be honest, I tend to choose friends that I perceive to be valuable. You know, people that bring value to your life. As opposed to people that devalue your life, by treating you like crap. It seems like it's pretty easy to tell when people don't see your own personal value. Although, at the core of it, it's probably not about you at all. It's more about them not being able to see their true value that's hindering them from fully loving you.

At times, I feel like I'm primping myself to get ready for the flea market. Not to go buy anything, but to put myself up for sale. I position myself just right on the folding table and watch the people walk by. "Free Samples!" I exclaim to certain strangers.

If I'm constantly looking for other people to determine my value (or the value of my art!), I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. The key for me seems to be found in taking time to meditate on how loved I am by God and the people around me who know me completely. I can take my question of value to them. But when I take that question outside of that small circle, I will certainly go crazy.

With my small band of brothers, we know that we have to constantly remind each other of our worth and value...it's so easy to devalue ourselves...and easy to assume that other people don't ever forget their value.

The Ceremony

2006-01-03T11:15:00.000-06:00

All together there were only twelve. But two of them were special. Sally knew that she was one of the special ones, mostly because of her braids. She didn't realize that her braids were going to be what would get her in the most trouble.

Carmen would never have imagined herself to be one of the special ones. Mostly because of her teeth and bad acne.

Nobody liked Amanda. She thought she was better than everyone. Just because she was three inches taller than the other girls.

When it was time for the winners to be chosen, Sally stayed in her cabin. Amanda was up front and center.

The candles were burning and all the girls were sweating. It smelled like someone just cooked pancakes.

The Space Between

2006-01-02T11:15:00.000-06:00

It was not so much that she had a fear of dying, she was actually afraid of the space between the time when you know you are going to die and when it actually happens. The consciousness of approaching death was making her knees feel like they were going to give out as she stood on the upper reaches of the church steeple. This was unlike any other church steeple Keri had ever seen. The top of Vor Frelsers Kirke, or Church of our Savior, was completed in 1696 by a man who desired to have the steeple able to be climbed by anyone who wanted to have one of the most spectacular views of Copenhagen. Rumor has it that the man finished wrapping the tiny steps up to the top and realized he had actually incorrectly constructed the stairway, wrapping it counter-clockwise up the steeple instead of the assigned clockwise manner, and jumped from the heights in a fit of desperation.

Keri could not stop thinking about how simple it would be jump from where she was at, the small protective wall barely reached over her knees. The group of friends she was with did not help; they were all pushing to get up as high as they possibly could, even though there was only space for one person to be where Keri stood. A gusty breeze made her hair blow in front of her eyes. As she reached for her hair, cautiously positioning it behind her ears, she pictured the architect jumping from where she stood and imagined the wind carrying him a bit to the left, probably landing near the sidewalk below. Some innocent passerby would most likely have had their day ruined by being in that place at that wrong time.

She certainly didn’t want to jump; she just felt how easy it would be to accidentally be nudged over the side. It was this feeling that Keri decided she wanted to avoid at all costs the entire rest of her life. She began thinking that humans are constantly moving through the space between life and death, even if they are mostly unaware of how that space is shrinking every day. That trip up the steeple was what it took for Keri to decide she had to begin taking control of her space.

Big City Solitude

2005-12-28T11:15:00.000-06:00

I'm thrilled (and a bit surprised) to report that this holiday season has been one of the best family times we have ever had. The highlight for me was having Christmas Eve lunch with my mom at Perkins (perhaps my favorite restaurant). I had my favorite ham & cheese omelette, crispy hash browns, and the most amazing trio of pancakes, smothered with blueberry syrup. Aaaahhhh....life is good. Mom and I had the opportunity to talk with more sanity and honesty than we ever had. We cried. We also laughed. We laid down a foundation from which we can now move forward in our relationship. It had stalled for a bit. But it took cracking it open (with a crow bar, she'd say) this past August, and then continuing with a bit of distance and clarity from that conversation, at this Perkins in Rochester, Minnesota. For this time with her, I'm truly grateful. It's amazing how much hold on your emotional health a relationship with your parents can maintain even at this age. I'm thankful for a breath of fresh affection having been blown into ours.

Part Two.

I love the challenge of finding simplicity in the midst of the big city. The hustle & bustle can put up quite a fight, but I feel a bit victorious when I'm able to find a quiet spot (like the one I'm in right now- a great coffee shop in Uptown Minneapolis), or the quiet spots I found last night (the solo spot at the sushi bar at the Mexican/Asian restaurant AND the time walking on the iced-over Lake Calhoun in the middle of downtown). I wasn't alone, it wasn't so much quiet, but it was me finding a simple joy that resonated within my soul. That, to me, is so awesome.

Joy, sometimes creeps up on me. At other times, I chase after it. And when I'm lucky, like this week, it's all over me.

Joy to the World, and hopefully to YOU, as well!

Your turn signal must be broken!

2005-12-21T10:59:00.000-06:00

I just ran to the drug store right near my house to pick up a prescription. It's so close that I actually kept my slippers on for the drive there. On the way out, I was waiting for a car coming from the left to pass before I would turn out of the parking lot. Well...it turns out that car was actually turning RIGHT...into the parking lot...but chose NOT to signal. Which means, yes...I had to wait an additional three or four seconds before I could pull out.

As you can imagine, my first thought was to turn all the way around and follow that obviously rude person into the parking place next to theirs and politely roll down my window, and say something entirely TOO sarcastic, like: "Being the holidays and all, I just wanted you to know that I think your turn signal must be broken! And I didn't want you to be driving around all over the place not knowing that! So..Merry Christmas!" And then drive away. That sounds like it would take about 35 or 40 extra seconds. But, can you imagine how great it would feel to let a person know that their actions really do affect other people!? I mean, good Lord, I lost a good three or four seconds by that person not using their signal!

I realize this is insanity...even though it is probably a very common feeling among most of us. I constantly see people doing things that affect me in a (however miniscule) negative way (especially if I'm looking for them) and I feel like it's my responsibility to let them know about it...so they can change and be a more positive member of our society. What a weight I'm choosing to carry!

I'm getting ready to see my family over the holidays. I'm CERTAIN that I will encounter many opportunities to point out things that I see each one of them doing that affect me and others in negative ways. But is it really worth it for me to be the Behavior Police of the World, much less my Family, that I'm able to be? I don't think so either.

I just heard someone say: "Whenever you have a thought that excludes or judges anyone else, you aren't defining them. You're defining yourself as someone who needs to judge others."

I want to be someone who chooses to love and not someone who chooses to judge. You heard it here first. I can't wait to see how much time I save by not chasing down all the wrongdoers that I meet over the holidays. What a gift I can give to myself!

Curtain

2005-12-19T10:59:00.000-06:00

A.
You said it'd get better
When I got older
Now here I am, and it's not
What you promised
Would it've been better
To never have given me hope
And let me be surprised
Rather than this sick that I feel

B.
Standing behind a curtain
That never opens
I'm waiting...
Butterflies and sweat drops
Join the rumble on the other side
The audience seems to promise
A certain freedom
If only given a chance
They'd be my breath

C.
Waiting for my time
That has not come
For the curtain to open
And the song to begin
Can't you see that I'm ready
Ready for all of me to start

D.
Say goodbye to the show
And let me be alone
An audience of one
Cheering me on
All I need is what I have
The waiting is over
I'm finally free

If you could change one thing about everybody...

2005-12-15T10:58:00.000-06:00

EMCEE: If you could change one thing about everybody in the world, what would it be?

MARK: If I could change one thing about everybody in the world, I would ask that passivity be removed from their lives.

EMCEE: Beautiful answer. Tell us why...

MARK: I think that passivity holds so many people back from really experiencing the life they want to have. People wait around for life to be handed to them, and when it doesn't, they just end up sitting on the couch watching television. The best way to have the life you desire is to create it, with love, grace and sensitivity as your watchwords. You can do most anything you want. (applause) Except when it comes to relationships. (audience gasps) It seems like if you try to make something happen in personal relationships you just push people away. And if you sit around waiting for someone to reach out to you, they never do. I can only imagine a world with balance where people just, you know, like each other, they hang out, and have a good time playing, taking breaks for snacks that your mom makes. There are a ton of people who I feel like I'm constantly the one pushing the relationship, as if it's a car that just quit in the middle of the street. It's a nice car, and we're having a great time, laughing the whole while, but you're still sitting inside listening to your favorite radio station, and I'm out here pushing. Yes, we're getting somewhere, but we are going about it in entirely different ways. My thinking tells me that it'd be awesome to have you back here...pushing the car right beside me.

ALBUMS I LOVE: 2005

2005-12-14T10:56:00.000-06:00

AMOS LEE/Amos Lee
BLUE MERLE/Burning In the Sun
COLDPLAY/X&Y
DAVID CROWDER BAND/A Collision Or (3 4=7)
GAVIN DEGRAW/Chariot
GWEN STEFANI/Love. Angel. Music. Baby
HOWIE DAY/Stop All The World Now
JAMIE CULLUM/Catching Tales
JAMIROQUAI/Dynamite
JARS OF CLAY/Redemption Songs
KATHY TROCCOLI/Draw Me Close
MADONNA/Confessions on the Dance Floor
MICHAEL TOLCHER/I Am
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD/Unwritten
ROB THOMAS/Something To Be
TEITUR/Poetry & Aeroplanes
U2/How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
VERTICAL HORIZON/Go

Poem From A Prisoner

2005-12-13T10:57:00.000-06:00

If you read my "What I Learned In Prison This Morning" blog, this will make more sense. This poem was written by one of my buddies that I've gotten to know over the years while going out there. He's an amazing man, incredibly brilliant and insightful. It's been an honor to be a part of his journey. Here are his thoughts, which he says were inspired by our discussions.

LAKE OF FIRE
by Lucas Larson

Your Hell is designed through an absence of Graces
A lack of God's love filling vacuous spaces
Your Hell's at a distance, a nebulous thought
A place circumvented through battles well fought
My Hell is right now and it's painfully near
It's concrete and wire, and loss drenched with fear
It's what I can't touch
And what I can't see
It's what I can't smell
And what I can't be
Restrained and disdained by a state-sanctioned hate
The cared for and careless disjoined at the gate
For ceaseless torment, it's a perfect prescription
Mix proximate hopes with a hopeless affliction
It's the essence of love that's excluded by fences
It's an absence of living, deprived of the senses
Your Hell is designed through an absence of Grace
My Hell is defined by this God-awful place